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My Pain
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My Pain I’m afraid this is real heart-on-the-page stuff. I hope you won’t mind me writing this. I know you won’t totally understand, but I know most of you will try to. I try not to do it too often, and I hope that anyone who wants to get close to me understands that they have to want to hear this stuff or I am going to drive them away sooner or later. Of all things I hope it won’t affect our various friendships. On the surface I am a happy, positive minded person. I have deep reserves of will power and self belief. But I have had pain for as long as I can remember. And I found myself thinking about the lioness again. A while ago I watched that film “Message in a Bottle” with Kevin Costner, the one where he can’t get over his love for his dead wife, even though he falls in love with someone new, and that set me off. I know of course, though I never think about it, that, as happy as I can be sometimes, this pain is still buried deep inside me and I don’t know how to get past it. Costner can always do that to me. I think it is because I saw “Dances with Wolves” with the Lioness not long before we split up, and I cried at the end, the first time I had cried since I was about twelve probably, and she held my head and shushed me and tried to understand me - I don’t know what I was crying about then, except it was for the atrocity committed against the Indians, and for Wind-in-his-Hair shouting “I will always be his friend” and for all the wrong in the world and for my father who died when I was young and for my wrong turn in life. And somehow now it is like I took that wrong turn and from then on I was never going to be able to get back onto the right track, not even with the Lioness, and maybe finally it was too much for her. So whatever pain I had before became focussed on her, and then on the loss of her and what she caused, I don’t even know any more how much of my pain comes from what I felt for her and how much was there already. And these days I don’t feel any of it directly unless something like that film triggers it off; it has become too deeply buried and I don’t know what it means or what to do with it anyway. Even though I know other people have experienced the same thing I feel that no one could ever understand what it feels like and at the same time I feel guilty because my life is so rich and full of fun and I can do whatever I like. But I feel like I have wasted the last fifteen years, maybe longer, and I never know what is the right direction for me to take next and time is running out because I am not young any more and I don’t know how to be old and I don’t want to be. And perhaps these days I just play at loving and falling in love because I can’t do it properly any more, because I can’t get past how I felt about the Lioness, and she is still out there, not wanting to see me, for all I know not daring to think about me, and I just can’t get completely past it, and every time I think I have, something comes to remind me that it is still there. Like the Blogger who Loved me. She made the pain go away too. She still does when she forgets she decided not to love me any more. (I still see her on line sometimes, as “just friends”, when she has time for me.) But when she is distant, it reminds me, and I find myself wondering. I wonder if what I miss about the Lioness is not so much her herself, as the fact that she made the pain go away. I don’t know how I would feel if I saw her again. It has been too long. By the time you read this I will be fine, you needn’t worry about me, but I don’t want to have to pretend that I don’t have this pain hidden away somewhere. I know you won’t be able to do anything about it, but somehow I need for you to know it’s there in order to go on posting happy stuff. It is the happy, sexy stuff I want to be posting. Does that make sense? I once tried to tell my girlfriend about this but I could tell it just made her feel like she was second best ‒ no one can be expected to cope with that, so although I never thought of her as second best, I knew I couldn’t let her feel that and we never talked about it again. With the Blogger who Loved me I knew she would never feel like second best. I think if I had told her one day that the Lioness had come back into my life she would have been happy for me, even if it meant I couldn’t be with her anymore. And because of that I would never have wanted to give her up. I still wouldn’t. There are a couple of you who have made me feel like I wanted to know you well enough to see if something like that could have happened, but I guess mostly we have known each other long enough that it would have happened by now if it was going to. Except I am pretty resistant. I go so far and no further. Maybe I am not really ready for it to happen and I probably never will be. Maybe it would cost more than I can face the risk of losing. Plus look at me…..it takes someone with a very special attitude to truly love someone like me, I know that. I just read through this, and it seems pretty self absorbed. I don’t think I am usually. And now anyway the feeling is gone. I am Okay again. And yet of course I am not completely ok. But by the time you read this I will be feeling ok, and I will wonder what got into me because the pain will have shut down again and I will be, if not happy, at least normal again. I wish I knew how to stop this going on for the rest of my life, but I feel it will always be there, all the time under the surface, preventing me from truly being who I want to be. I wanted you to know. |
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We all have these things pop up from time to time...I call them 'demons'. Past hurts and haunts. They never fully erase and sometimes something triggers it. It's ok to have a day to reflect, shed a tear, be a bit off our normal routine and structure. Glad you feel better.  xoxo T  Let me offer u comfort, rest,& peace.
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I have these moments...sometimes fleeting, sometimes lingering - my blue days... Thank you for sharing, and know that you are not alone....
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We meet the people we do throughout our lives for a reason. All of them leave a bit of them with us, which helps to shape us as the person we become. It all depends on how much of them we take with us on life's journey. Some we can look back on & smile, others will leave us totally desolate, as they are no longer part of our world. Because when they leave us, they leave a wanting, for so much more. It's like a huge hole has been ripped from our hearts which we feel will never mend. Others will come along & make the hole a little smaller, each time they grace us with their presence. Sometimes we are lucky that we meet someone who can heal it completely. But that may never happen, but if they do, you will know it! Because you will be able to look back on the lioness & the blogger that loved you & smile at how they made you, the person you became, for others to love.  Life isn't about how many breaths you take, but about the moments that take your breath away!    
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I have these moments...sometimes fleeting, sometimes lingering - my blue days... Thank you for sharing, and know that you are not alone....
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Hey you right back at cha. It's good to have a friend.
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We all have these things pop up from time to time...I call them 'demons'. Past hurts and haunts. They never fully erase and sometimes something triggers it. It's ok to have a day to reflect, shed a tear, be a bit off our normal routine and structure. Glad you feel better. xoxo TBut I wonder whether those kind of people have the sort of hearts I want my heart to be like? I make mistakes and do things I wish I hadn't but in the main I am glad I am how I am.
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You are daft but beautiful, outside and inside ama. I know you are right, but I have been dreaming of that woman, "in between the dark and the light" since I was about fourteen, and the problem is I did think the Lioness might have been her. And as you know, if I did meet someone amazing right now that would create its own new problems. But maybe I will feel that way again. I hope so. And even if I don't my life is actually pretty good right now. But if she is out there, then she had better hurry up and cross my path soon or I won't be nearly as exciting a catch as I used to be, lol!
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"Start from where you are now, not from where you think you would like to have been".....I know, that's what I say too. Not always as easy as it sounds though is it!? Thanks Sassi.
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We meet the people we do throughout our lives for a reason. All of them leave a bit of them with us, which helps to shape us as the person we become. It all depends on how much of them we take with us on life's journey. Some we can look back on & smile, others will leave us totally desolate, as they are no longer part of our world. Because when they leave us, they leave a wanting, for so much more. It's like a huge hole has been ripped from our hearts which we feel will never mend. Others will come along & make the hole a little smaller, each time they grace us with their presence. Sometimes we are lucky that we meet someone who can heal it completely. But that may never happen, but if they do, you will know it! Because you will be able to look back on the lioness & the blogger that loved you & smile at how they made you, the person you became, for others to love. But part of being me is having that underlying feeling of loss, and I think I had that even before I had ever lost anything worth missing, lol!
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Whatever life throws at you, you always bounce back and thats what makes you so unique. Seems we both have the same thoughts on Kevin Costner movies. My first one I ever watched of him was "No way out" but like you, "Message in a bottle" set the tears rolling down my cheeks too.Take care Handsome
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Whatever life throws at you, you always bounce back and thats what makes you so unique. Seems we both have the same thoughts on Kevin Costner movies. My first one I ever watched of him was "No way out" but like you, "Message in a bottle" set the tears rolling down my cheeks too.Take care Handsome
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Much of what you write Resonates deeply in me Wanting yet afraid Elevate me... 
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Much of what you write Resonates deeply in me Wanting yet afraid
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 Kizza
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Kizza
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