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| Blogs > hotdreamer1000 > While I was Dreaming |
Is it Your Call?
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Is it Your Call? How far do you go in telling someone what to do? (I wasn’t thinking about sex here, but actually, that's an interesting topic too, lol. ) But what I meant was; where do you think you should draw the line over giving people a piece of your mind about their behaviour? And does it make a difference how well you know them? A friend was talking about this subject and it set me thinking. For a long time I struggled with some friendships, sometimes I still do, because people failed to live up to my expectations. But in the end I realized friendships are much like love affairs – the best kind are where each party accepts and likes the other for how they actually are, and doesn't try to change them to be how they would like them to be. This can still pose me a problem – I'm not much of a one for trying to change people, but however likeable someone is, I can find it a problem if they are not both kind and honest. But I have realised that if it is enough of a problem, it is not going to help me to tell them to be different – I am just going to have to accept that we aren't such good friends as I had been hoping. So I was wondering, leaving aside issues of law-breaking and whistle blowing, should there be a set of rules for calling people on their behaviour? I haven't thought about it too deeply, but I wonder if maybe mine goes something like this: 1) If a friend behaves to me in a way which upsets me or adversely affects me directly, then I will let them know about it. They might want to change and not be aware they were doing something I didn’t like. 2) If someone is a close friend I will tell them if I am uncomfortable with the way they treat others, but I won't make a big thing about it. If they don't take it on board, I might not feel so warmly about them though. 3) If I care about someone, I'll tell them if I think they are harming themselves or taking unnecessary risks, but after that I'll let it drop – how they choose to live is up to them, and may even be part of what I like about them, even if it isn't how I would act myself. But I might be wary about caring too much (if I can help it) for someone who is self-destructive. 4) If I see someone hurting someone I care about, I will leave it to my friend to fight their own battles, unless they ask me for help, or clearly can't cope without it. But even then I will still be careful not to get too personally involved; it isn't my battle, and I might even make it worse. 5) If I witness a person who I don't know, or only know a little, acting in a way I dislike I will stay out of it, (unless they have specifically asked me for advice.) I can not expect to change them, and they have a right to behave as they wish. I'll be remembering to stay out of their company if I can though. I've noticed that this last one causes people a lot of problems. A lot of people seem to think that they should name and shame anyone they come across who doesn't follow their own code of behaviour. And the strange thing is, people seem to feel more and more that they have the right to do this the less and less well they actually know the person involved. But who is to say who is right and who is wrong? And if it isn't illegal, who am I to judge? It depends totally on how and where each individual learned their own moral code. I don't have to like it if someone doesn't follow the same code as me, but I wouldn't want them telling me how to behave, so why would it be okay for me to call them out on their own behaviour? It is an easy trap to fall into. We all know the saying "All that is necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing," and most of us would like the world to be what we would think of as a better place. But we need to pick our battles. Yes, we can continue to lead by example, we can strive ourselves, to "be the change," but I tend to think that as soon as we start saying "You need to behave differently" to people who aren't directly affecting us, then we are bound to get some unwelcome responses. And the more I think about this, the more I think it applies in 3D life, on line, and in politics across the world. |
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I think I work best when I can identify patterns - which often foreshadow the behaviour I know will come: for people are nothing if not creatures of habit. In real life I put up with far less than I would on line -and on line I have found myself with less tolerance for bad and a better ability to just ignore. I still tilt at windmills, often. It's a learning process. ~ [blog kelidgh]~ I am, indeed 
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Sassi, I wouldn't lie to you, (or anyone else) even if I did have an ulterior reason, lol.
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An interesting question! I don't know the answer as such. All I can say is - I usually do nothing or go too far...
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I think I work best when I can identify patterns - which often foreshadow the behaviour I know will come: for people are nothing if not creatures of habit. In real life I put up with far less than I would on line -and on line I have found myself with less tolerance for bad and a better ability to just ignore. I still tilt at windmills, often. It's a learning process.
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Pretty much!
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"Sometimes, it's enough to know that maybe there is something a friend of mine wouldn't do, so perhaps I shouldn't either." Oh my goodness, yes, that makes perfect sense. And there are some friends who share these thoughts willingly in an attempt to be better people. Those kinds of friends are rare and special friends indeed. But even then I think it works best when it is how you described it - you choose, because you see something in your friend that you want to emulate.....not because the friend shoves it down your throat. As far as people who are not friends are concerned though - the people out there who we just come across every day behaving badly.....I agree that they don't have to listen, but you still have to hear yourself speaking, and in the end I think if you hear yourself being not listened to too often, it can become very demoralizing. So that's why I say save your energy and pick battles that matter.
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For some strange reason, it's easier for me to talk to strangers than acquaintances about their behavior. Elevate me... 
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For some strange reason, it's easier for me to talk to strangers than acquaintances about their behavior.
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That's interestingly put. And I know what you mean - some people can leave things unsaid, but I always feel I need to confront the issue and get it dealt with before I can move on.
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