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The Story of Future Girl
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The Story of Future Girl Some of what follows is moulded into my way of telling this story, but none of it is in any way made up. There is an extraordinary woman I have met who, in a way, has known me all of my life. She was there when a teenage me lay with Lizzy in the soft dappled sunshine under a Thames-side willow tree in the days when Dreamer was being born. She watched me grow and learn how to make love. Even before that, she had held my hand when, as a shell-shocked fourteen year old boy I walked numbly back through boarding school gates the week my father died. She stood in the front row audience and gazed up into my eyes as I bawled out the lyrics of teenage post-punk-pop anthems in 1980 and the stage throbbed. She was there, spellbound and singing along. Through my eyes she saw the sun shaft through the Lioness' hair and felt the heat of her lips on mine in Hyde Park that first, amazing time, and on many of the special, memorable nights in the months that followed, when our bodies melted together so many times. She saw my face dissolve that day when I heard those awful words, "I'm so sorry, but I just can't do this any more." She watched, helpless, as I fell apart and sank into a long dark time of lost memories and broken dreams. Years passed. Glimpses of scenes came and went, and Dreamer, hiding. I started writing my blog. If you write a blog like mine, and someone really reads it - really listens to you when you pour your heart out onto the page - they start to know you. And she was reading right from that first post. For five years she saw me ache with pain, shared joy, laughs, my hopes and fears, my strengths, my weakness and my love. And in her own life, when things might not have gone the way she wanted, she found comfort in the way I had lived mine. Whatever else came and went, my blog was always there for her. She began to love me for it. Where some have said I've painted pictures with my words, she found herself time-travelling to live them with me. But all this time I never even knew she existed. Until now. Now I call her Future Girl. She smiled when I wrote how Dreamer's Thoughts became his fingers, drawing pleasured gasps from The Blogger Who Loved me. She cried and loved us both when that was lost. And stood by me as I somehow found my way back to being Dreamer once again. And then one day, our time lines drifted close enough together and she sent her current self to be my lover. We should have realised our time would be short. At first I hardly knew who she was. Her love for me was so well formed, while mine was at its birth. But as we talked, and talked - for talk is all we had - I began to see a spark of something deep inside her. Or was it deep in me? She learned the whole of me - much more than is written in these pages - while I gave comfort where I could through the latest and worst of her torments. My heart began to glow in the presence of the wonderful Future Girl, but I also came to love the true essence of her flawed and troubled former self. Her gentle passionate words coaxed new flames from the fires down deep in Dreamer's heart. But cruel coincidence was already planning a trick for us. I felt it coming. The pace of my falling in love began to quicken until we were certain we would be together. But it had taken me a little while to catch up, and now I have, it seems it is already too late. She has reached a time where I can no longer touch her. I can only imagine the price it must have cost her to tell me. I cried, her current self cried – it was the end of everything. But somehow Future Girl knew more than us. She’s seen what happens next before, I guess. Now when we speak, sometimes I hear Future Girl’s voice, telling me that she will always love me; that we will one day be together, just not for now. I feel that I am asking a lot of myself to live with that, but for Future Girl, whose very being I love, and who I long to see lying in my bed, I must. |
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Thanks Ama. I have to admit that even the near future, which actually holds the promise of a hug from Future Girl herself in person, does still seem a long way off, but I know you are right, and thanks for the hugs.
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Just you being there and wishing there was something you could say helps Wildfire, thank you.
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Now I see a little more clearly... black and white letters no matter how well written still don't allow you to see what's behind the eyes. Sorry for the previous comments, didn't realize the entire situation. I really thought you were coming from a needy space and it's not that at all. Good luck....
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Now I see a little more clearly... black and white letters no matter how well written still don't allow you to see what's behind the eyes. Sorry for the previous comments, didn't realize the entire situation. I really thought you were coming from a needy space and it's not that at all. Good luck....
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Me too mmss, me too. And thanks, your support really does help, every time you visit.
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