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Blogs > hotdreamer1000 > While I was Dreaming

Guardian Angel  

hotdreamer1000 64M
8673 posts
10/21/2011 9:03 am

Last Read:
5/3/2012 5:54 pm
Guardian Angel

Yesterday I spent the day with The Woman Who Will Become Future Girl. It was a lovely day, just hanging out in London together, and I think we both found each other to be exactly as we had expected. Underneath the simplicity of a day having coffee, sitting in the sunshine in Green Park, and going to an exhibition, it was the kind of day when, in months or even years to come, just looking at the clothes I was wearing will always bring back the memory in focus. We gave each other birthday presents which won't be forgotten either.

Despite the fact that we always find a way to make everything alright, there were moments yesterday when we found out that there are still aspects of how we feel which make life harder for both of us. But even though we can't be lovers, we both want to go on being as supportive as we can for each other. I think I have spent so much effort over the last few weeks dealing with being hurt over losing part of her, and she has spent so much love trying to make it easy for me, that I forget how hard it has been for her to make the decision to give me up. There was a moment yesterday - and again when we spoke today - when I saw that so clearly. I need to try to be stronger for her now, and let my lust for her drift away. Or maybe store it away in a corner of my heart somewhere, and only look at it in the dark.

We will still tell each other the truth, we will still confide in and support each other. And sometimes, when she needs to, Future Girl will come here quietly and read about my hopes and fears, like she always has, and take comfort in my life, whatever is happening in hers. As well as going on being her friend, I need to go back to being her virtual guardian angel through my blog. Because my blog will always be here for her, just like it is for you too. There are posts all through my blog, like this one, that she can and will always come back to. Whenever I write anything, I always think of the people here that I care about, and wonder what they are doing and what they will think of what I write. But especially now, I will always think of Future Girl.

Future Girl has never left a comment. She probably never will. But that doesn't mean the rest of you can't, just because this post is about her. Many of those who I have blogged with for ages are either gone or inactive, but my blog thrives on the interaction between all of us, and sometimes I need that to keep going. Please.

rm_wantitindeep 58F
Ask me for a photo
1874 posts
10/21/2011 10:51 am

 So sorry, that things didn't turn out.
We all deserve someone, in our lives, to love or be loved.

Life isn't about how many breaths you take, but about the moments that take your breath away!


marysia4u 68F
15417 posts
10/21/2011 3:09 pm

 The biggest are on their way to you.


tigger678902 57F  
4545 posts
10/24/2011 5:09 pm

 Does lust belong in the dark corner of a heart? Unrequited love, yes,...but lust,...I'm not sure
Good girls go to heaven,....Bad girls go EVERYWHERE!
I love to travel

Come visit my blog tigger678902


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
10/25/2011 3:41 am
    Quoting tigger678902:
    Does lust belong in the dark corner of a heart? Unrequited love, yes,...but lust,...I'm not sure
Yes, you are quite right Tigger. For me, with her, love and lust are walking hand in hand at the moment. I can't make the feeling stop, so I have to try to keep it out of the front of my mind.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
10/25/2011 3:45 am
    Quoting PeterWasted:
    How could I not now comment! I really can't do more than to wish you both the very best. I've never managed to keep any relationship going after a breakup but other people have and continue to do so. I shall hope then that you have that skill and that your dark place remains illuminated by her light and that equally you shall illuminate hers.
Peter that is a really kind thought and I appreciate it. I have occasionally managed to remain close to someone after a break up, and they have become the most amazingly valuable friends. But with some you just can't do it, and it is futile to try.

But in this case, in a weird way, we have not exactly broken up, but we are trying to relate to each other in a different way. I don't know how easy that will be, but it is worth it to me to try, and so far we are doing okay.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
10/25/2011 3:59 am
    Quoting rm_wantitindeep:
    So sorry, that things didn't turn out.
    We all deserve someone, in our lives, to love or be loved.
I have had more than my fair share 'deep, and sometimes it has been wonderful, but I just feel a bit lost and hopeless at the moment.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
10/25/2011 4:01 am
    Quoting  :
Thanks F4. I can't see a future I like the look of at the moment, but I have had my periods of being happy - if I have to go through a period of being unhappy then that's what I will have to do.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
10/25/2011 4:02 am
    Quoting marysia4u:
    The biggest are on their way to you.

Always appreciated Marysia. Nice halloween outfit by the way.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
10/25/2011 4:05 am
    Quoting  :
You are right, it does hurt more. I simply have never found myself able to deal with it any other way. It does use up emotional strength, and right now I feel like I don't have much left, but I don't want to be the kind of man who easily forgets my love for someone, or who pushes it away by using anger or resentment like so many people do.


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