Should I freak? or just let it go
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Posted:Dec 26, 2006 9:50 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 10:40 pm
4290 Views
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I mean... I havent really thought about it before... but I am about to be half way to 50... not that 50 is bad... but well... half way there makes me wonder ha ha ha ha... am I supposed to freak out about turning 25?
I figure it's not that big of a deal for another 4 or 5 years because I am not supposed to freak till I turn 30... but considering the fact that I had a breakdown about age issues at 20 I figure there's a big possibility I could crack again out of nowhere so I always feel like I should be prepared. hmmmmmm...
nah ** giggles ** and 
actually consdering where my life is right now, and everything that it has taken, not to get here, but to be comfortable with where my life is going; knowing that the worst regret I could possibly come up with would be not experiancing a boring life... I mean im pretty on track for my age... responsible but with the life experiances that only irrisponsibility can bring...
maybe I should go to the costume shop and get me a fairy-tale princess costume or something ha ha ha ha I know a lil off subject and all but it sounds like a fun thing to do for my birthday 
now there's something I miss... drag shows... well not so much drag shows themselves but playing live in drag... ** sigh **
anyway happy newyear to yalls...
and happy birthday to me!
btw I think this picture is cute ha ha ha ha ha (the one that goes with this post)
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Cheerful but gloomy
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Posted:Dec 23, 2006 7:22 pm
Last Updated:Feb 24, 2017 4:06 am
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how the hell is that possible? I mean my life is IN CHECK! right now... and I feel gloomy... I could drink more but it dont seem like it would be enough fun... no one good is online so Ive no one to talk to....
maybe that's it.... maybe it's because it is winter and I am all alone again this year... it seems like each year that goes by that I dont even get into one relationship that I just blah...
something that I dont know if I have ever mentioned on here or not... while Ive been sexually active in the past... Ive never been on the recieveing end...
so in some ways it's like imma half virgin... I mean I give great head and all but I aint never got it or anything for that matter... (that's what I get for dating creeps in the past) ** sigh **
I guess that's why I got tired of boys... they never did anything for me even though I did so much for them... it's pretty fucked I guess... fucked enough that I havent so much as dated or kissed anyone for about 5 years now...
** shrugs **
not that talkin about that has me cheered up any ha ha ha ha ha goofy me! I am trying to find something that would cheer me up and I come here and start talkin about stuff that only makes me think of more gloomy stuff...
anyway I guess that's it for now... maybe Ill have that drink afterall and scan over my ritual set of chats in hopes of something enjoyable to do...
thanks whoever reads this for listening or whatever I guess ** giggles **
have a wonderful day and if I dont talk to anyone have a happy holiday (whichever one you celebrate... and if you dont celebrate any then enjoy your weekend)
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What Im about to say might shock you
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Posted:Dec 17, 2006 6:21 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 10:36 pm
4215 Views
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no I wont
I was just jokeing with you ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
anyway I was bored and wanted to post a quick addition to my blog so the porn thingy wasnt at the top of my list
I found this painting on a site earlier and I loooved it so I am using it for my blog post here
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the famous Real Doll
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Posted:Dec 16, 2006 5:14 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 8:18 pm
4344 Views
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I was just rummageing around on realdoll's website and I seen that they now do "shemale" dolls... basically they put a penis on one of the girl dolls ha ha ha ha ha
I have wondered if they would do that or not... I guess they did! ha ha ha
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Skirts...
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Posted:Dec 11, 2006 5:03 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 8:17 pm
3794 Views
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I hardley ever wear skirts any more... usually only when I am doing laundry... but like.... currently I am sitting in my ugly glory wearing what happens to be my fav. skirt I own... it's pink with panels that fold up for that classic cheerleader pleated look... and Ive got half of the hem lined with this cute yellow lace (only half for a couple reasons... 1: I ran out when I was sewing it on, and never went and got more. 2: I decided it looked kinda punk so I never took it off)
Anyway there is a different reaction these days to the clothes I wear... before when I would get all dressed up I would feel in a way more honest... maybe a touch of confidence (not that I cant fake confidence but it's more sincere when I feel more honest) etc...
Now I spent about 4 or 5 years on and off out as who I was... and most of my closeted days I wasn't very closeted.... now Ive gone closet-bound for around 3/4's of a year... it sux but isnt so bad... I mean while I lie to people constantly (and I hate to lie cause it always leads to getting caught in yer own bullshit) it's kinda like being an actress... and people believe me enough that they say things around me that are highly inapropriate that they wouldnt say if someone who wasn't hideing who they were was around... so I figure they arent really makeing guesses... I often wonder if people think I am a bit frooty or whatever because I try to maintain a bit of sincerity and honesty in my role...
it's all pretty crazy...
Anyway I am changing the title of my blog because of how different my life is now.... Ill prolly write more about this kinda junk in here... this is pretty much the only place I keep who I was around at... and it's good to get these thoughts out of my brain
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Wow it's been forever (this is to anyone who remembers me)
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Posted:Dec 1, 2006 8:00 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 8:15 pm
3596 Views
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hey people... I just read over my last blog post before I dissapeared...
Wow... it's been a long time... and I forgot how harsh that night was for me... I have really come to terms with the end of my career as a musician working for myself since then, And am even over alot of my bitterness about how my year went...
It's been a crazy year... I went from being a homeless druggy to someone who has since gone out got my GED is now working for a HUUUUGE company that pays me well in a job where people respect the hell out of me... of corse no one knows I am a closet woman but hey... they dont really have to know I guess... it was never about the way I dressed (although I do miss playing dressup and spending hours just dancing in front of the mirror half naked) it's always been about my mind set...
Wow though... I am almoast sad when I look back at that person who I used to be... I kinda feel bad for her... she put up with alot... but the funny thing is a month after that last post (give or take about a day or so) she landed a great job! and is now sortof a programmer... so still doing creative work!  not the kind of work she (ok I am going to switch to first person at this point) that I would have liked to be doing but still it is great stuff and people dig what I do
Anyway I was right about what I said about things changing... things really dont change and my life is still ghetto... I am fighting evicition notices for the last month or so because I cant get my pay checks to line up with my rent but since my finances are starting to clear up ill be on top again soon... at which point I am sure ill be in the middle of some other new dramatic crisis... all the same... now I am happier because I escaped all of the pressure of relying on myself as my boss... I am better at working for someone else as opposed to myself... so things are great!
Yall stay happy and if I am not around soon happy new year and all that...
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here i go here i go here i go again can i get a witness?
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Posted:Jun 3, 2006 2:57 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 8:06 pm
3626 Views
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fuck witnesses... fuck life... fuck bein me... fuck bein a musician... fuck bein alive... fuck bein responsible... fuck the world... fuck humans... fuck it allllll!
what do i mean by all of that? i dont know... tonight i just need as many vents as possible so imma use this as one of em...
if you know me you prolly know i busted my ass with my music and failed more then once...
well this recent time i kept tryin after i failed... somethin told me it was worth it to risk it... what's funny is that risk has now led me to decide my intrest in music is done... yeah i might teach some day but i doubt ill ever be at that point in life where ill be able to go back to school...
you see there is this theory that a few people have that not only does life suck... but it doesnt really change... im one of these people... i grew up poor and when we did have money there was always somethin that made it miserable... including but not limited to the clash that happens when poor people get enough money to hang out with people who are used to theirs...
i had money not long ago and i sniffed it all up my nose... because that's how i was raised... to enjoy the drugs and cash while it lasts... the prollem is now even though i quit and all that shit there is not recovery... there is only the hell that comes from bein a part of the ghetto...
not long ago i pretty much lived on the streets... that is if you dont count the fact that i had an old busted up house to hide in at night while even though i wasnt really able to shave cause i had no water or power i could wear skimpy stuff (not for enjoyment, but because it was 100-120 degreese outside...)
somethin about that life felt better... yet at the same time i knew somethin was fallin on my head... and it did... eventualy i sold that house for a lil over a hundred grand...
pathetic huh? with property values these days HA! the damn thing was made out of cinder blocks.. the bricks alone were prolly worth more then what i got for the fuckin thing...
anyway so the money is gone... i am gone... my soul feels as gone as it has ever felt before... ive become bitter and closeted again...
i sit hairy in a skimpy little outfit much like i did back then... but the difference now is this skimpy lil outfit is much finer... but i cant pawn it... ha ha ha ha...
today i pawned my equipment
just barely got enough to pay rent...
although the tire on the car i have to sell is flat
in the end im just fucked is all...
cant fix that tire... and so now imma have to sell the fuckin car for less then 2 grand
i payed more for the fuckin sterio then 2 grand
what a world this is... what a world...
anyway not to get all emo on yall... but i needed to vent (this has prolly been the 4th time)
dont anyone worry i wont die... but right now i do wish life would just hurry up and be over... 
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been away and somethin somethin play
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Posted:May 28, 2006 3:33 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 8:02 pm
2381 Views
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huh? what kinda title is that? that's oldskool kayla title
anyway so life is still hell, but at least i can tell the difference now, and it's alot cheaper. sheesh when i think of how krazy i used to be, then look at how crazy i am... it amazing to think of how little drugs change a person... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ok so enough of whatever... right now im so broke that ive been pawning stuff lately and have gotten rid of quite a few non-essential peices of my studio (the ones i basicly never used that were in the way, like electronic drums and a extra keyboard i had) the important part is the core of my studio and my rig for playin street sets is still in tact.
the prollem is rent is due soon, which means either one of my bikes has to go or i have to sell the car and that makes me hella sad... especialy because the only one i got the fuckin title to is the car and it's the one with the most lil crap to need fixing that is the type of stuff that asshole dealerships or whoever id sell it to would try to drop the price over...
if anybody has a grand or 2 layin around your welcome to send it to me paypal ill send pictures of my fatass in lingere or somethin ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
now that ive gained weight and am at my ends im willin to myself out... how ironic ha ha ha... btw i was just jokin so if there is some rich joker out there please dont send me paypal to some random address or somthin cause i prolly wont get it
so... hmmmm... what else is there? oh yeah music is prolly over over for me... i mean i am not gonna stop playin shows or nothing... but as a business venture im pretty much done with it im pretty sure... that doesnt mean my lifes-purpose isnt music anymore, actualy my new plan is to go back to work for a while then eventualy try to get back to school and eventualy teach before i die... hopefuly by the time i have a degree or 2 the world will have opened up about trannys a lil more since my height gives me away a bit... I would rather not do the work of opening it up myself, and that one teacher got fired for it once... who knows.... avenger until i die even from the closet if i must!
so that's it fer now...
bye
kayla
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omg it's that one chick that used to be here alot more often!
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Posted:Apr 21, 2006 3:01 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 7:57 pm
2255 Views
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he he he... ok ok ok no really... hi, that is if anyone still remembers me at all? for those of you who dont well
anyway so my life is crazy as it was before, only difference... the money that used to be running out has done ran out... i got a couple hundred bucks left for food and electricity, but the good news is rent is paid up till june so no stressin on that... all the same i gotta get money right away... so I quit doin drugs for the blah blah blah time etc etc... yeah right i always fall off and ill prolly fall off again since i quit because of money once again and i know how i get when i get cash... hopefuly this time ill remember how much i enjoy havin a clearer head...
now, what happens when yer like a hundred and 98 dollars away from a ramen noodle diet, but cant run out and get a job yet because it takes a couple weeks to get used to being awake again... ya land a big gig... i cant really talk about it on here cause it seems im comin up on the search engines for stuff ive said here, and while i havent got whatever to hide, i am not exactly lookin to share my slutty side with the world yet ha ha ha... not that i was ever as much of a slut as i wanted to be on here, and that kinda makes me sad... i mean, i was totaly tryin but still aint got laid... oh well i guess... at least im still good at masturbating ha ha ha ha...
so... um... oh yeah, the reason i aint been on in forever is my anti-spyware has been blockin the site, so it closes explorer every time i try to logon... i ended up getting on here cause of one of the searches i was bitchin about a second ago... i guess im a member of indian friend finder too... i wonder how they found out i got a lil bit of native blood... ** shrugs **
anyway girls and boys, im off for adventures and toys... just wanted to say hey and what was up... if ya dont see me for a while it'll prolly be the anti-spyware program actin up again, but ill try to make it back soon
(((((love to all my friends whom i miss sooo hella much and stuffs)))))
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actualy a comment on gozzes, but sounds good for here
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Posted:Mar 20, 2006 2:11 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 7:54 pm
2279 Views
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this comment that i made to gozz seems like a good blog update so yall dont totaly forget me in case i ever shall return:
not exactly back, just checkin in... things are worse then they were when i left, but still not hopeless... just alot of work and constant shift of my perception of reality... ill get through as usual i just dont want to give up the life ive been pretending to live...
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I miss my Gay Hookup Zone friends :(
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Posted:Mar 10, 2006 6:07 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 7:51 pm
2461 Views
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I have let my work consume me, and to be honest I cant say it's all for the best... i mean the costs of my lifestyle do not match my income...
here i am in my mid 20's.... that place where your supposed to be all insecure cause your highschool friends are better liars about their jobs then you, and I have already been through that... i did my "i make 30k per year" thing at both family reunion and get-togethers with the old clique from the lunch room... so instead im stuck in chasing a dream mode...
remember where i was just before i took some time off? i mean in that "it's time to be responsible" mode i was in... well i decided to put it twords what will probly end up being the hugest investment I will ever get the chance to make, in myself... unfortunately because it was my money it was easier to be irresponsible with it and spend spend spend without thinking of anything but art art art... so now that im down to less then a years worth of living left... i have gotten into overdrive... dont tell nobody cause i already found my stuff come up on search engines from this site, but i had one of the most amazing responces at "the event" which ill refer to as [te] from now on to keep from showin up on searches ha ha ha...
hell i had some cute girls who were goin nuts for my stuff too, although that doesnt say anything about them likeing me, just means they like my music and the boy image of me ha ha ha... how long am i going to let myself be dilluded into thinkin that i can make money in entertainment as an actress... yeah i might have alot of experiance, but in the end i need some time to be out of charictor... and if im thinkin that way... ** sigh ** nevermind im trying to not get too negitive...
anyway... i miss you all very much... hope everyone is doin good (all 4-10 of you plus every unseen reader who shows up but doesnt say nothin)
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out of cash
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Posted:Mar 9, 2006 5:47 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2007 7:49 pm
2174 Views
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cant go on... im about to be poor again.... i dont know what to do, i mean i could write one of the most agressive articles ever written but if it worked out anything like my music, chances are it would never get publised and i would never get paid. i mean the fact of the matter is, I cant write... but people need to know vegas has a wide range of slums who abuse people for their economical status or how much they cooperate with unspoken guidelines for being aloud to be treated like a human being
my car just got towed away... not because i didnt pay some bill, but because i cant get the fucker registered cause the asshole who sold it to me signed part of the car-title that only dealers are supposed to sign... now i am going to have to pay to get it out of towing, plus i will have to pay to get all kinds of other stuff that shouldnt be my responsibility and etc etc... oh anyway enough bitching
the point is i had more then a hundred grand less then a year ago, i threw almoast all of it into my career.... (ok well maybe half ha ha ha).... and now i wont be able to afford to pay to move if my apt is targeting me... i mean if they are trying to kick me out of this place without being caught for it... (they do it all the time, if you ask to get repairs done in your apt, they just kick you out)
fuck the world!
nevermind, disreguard this message now that you are done reading it unread it! ha ha ha h ah ha ha
um... anyway i may have a chance to take over the world some day... but for now the world has taken me over
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To link to this blog (1niceTgirl2try) use [blog 1niceTgirl2try] in your messages.
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