Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > thax013 > Head Splinters |
Thoughts about Firsts
|
Thoughts about Firsts One of my blogging friends had a post about the first time having sex. While I felt mine was of no consequence, it got me to thinking about my various firsts. I am shy around women, and I think my firsts have been a underlying cause of that. I can understand men, I can make mental moves like a chess player setting up the win 22 moves in advance ... I've done it, studied my opponent, used what I knew about him to predict every move for 22 moves into checkmate. Women are different ... that difference innately scares me. I can generally understand basic behaviors, but that's about it. This is my fundamental background of shyness. I had a "girlfriend" in name only in jr. high (middle school). I was a class clown and she found me very fun. We exchanged numbers, and because I didn't call her for three days, we were no longer bf / gf ... I didn't understand, but didn't think too long about it. High school, I kind of didn't date to spend more time on academics. I was in a special program, kind of much higher than advanced placement. I was great at mathematics, decent with language arts. I loved to read, but not good at writing, horrible at spelling. English sucks as a language, my mathematics brain much preferred German as it actually followed it's own rules. This program was primarily for language arts rather than mathematics, even though they tried to be neutral. I went from being THE smart , to being viewed as not quite good enough. I spent all my math classes going over my damn language arts course work. I tried damn hard just not to flunk language arts, and it brought my math scores down. ... So, in essence, I didn't date in high school. I was a nerdy . The normal viewed me as another dork ... The dorky viewed me as a bad ass normal that didn't have the brains and had to rely on intimidation. Both groups avoided me, as no one wanted to be known as my friend. I had two true friends ... but they weren't even in my grade level, so I'd only see them at lunch. Don't get me wrong, I looked at many women and wanted to ask them out, but I always got rejected ... the only time I didn't get rejected, was at a school dance were I got to dance with a German exchange student (she didn't know that being known as my friend was frowned upon or something). Now, I did get along with many fellow students. I was nice, and funny ... But at most, I could only consider them acquaintances and never friends. My first "date" ... I was working at a fast food restaurant. I got a call from a woman, she claimed she was in earlier that night and really liked me and wanted to see me later when I got off work. Me a virgin and horny, I knew it didn't sound right, but still, I went to where we were supposed to meet up ... the business was closed, parking lot completely dead, I started to get a bad feeling, but still ... maybe she was embarrassed to be seen with me in the public eye ... after high school, I completely believed that. Instead of a woman, I had five Mexican guys drive up and start slowly circling me ... Fight or Flight ... I knew I wouldn't be able to out-run a car, I may have been fast enough to out-run bullies, but not a car. Two of the guys jumped out and came up saying stuff like, don't mess with another man's girl ... we're going to fuck you up ... scared white boy. I kept an eye on the car, and fought back like I did against my older brothers, kicked one hard in the nuts, then jumped up and slammed my knee into the throat of the other one. The car stopped, the driver got out and pointed a gun at me, and I took off ... I never heard the gun go off, but I lunged behind the store's corner and ran away as fast as I could. I assume they never shot ... hiding out for a few hours before venturing cautiously back to my car ... no sign of them. The next day at work, the assistant manager was bragging to my co-workers about setting me up, thinking a woman would actually want me ... that I ran away like a scared punk ... As much as I detested her, I still protected her from her abusive boyfriend twice in the next year. She couldn't help it ... she was stupid, and dated stupid men. The first true girl friend I had ... I guess she got tired of how slow I was progressing in our relationship. I was scared of all the news stories about sexual harassment and date sex that the guy "thought" was mutual but still ended up in jail. So I was progressing slowly ... I wanted to make sure she actually wanted it. New Years Eve ... Big party, count down to midnight, I tried finding her as I really wanted to kiss her at midnight ... couldn't find her, midnight happened ... finally found her five minutes later ... having sex with my best friend ... I blamed him, I blamed him for years ... It wasn't his fault, and I realized that after many months ... she convinced him that we had split up one week before, and she WAS very pretty. Looking back, I think she was sleeping with many of her neighbors ... As they would drive by and make inappropriate comments to her when we were outside her house. She was good friends with my parents though ... She'd talk to them, write them letters, show off her wedding dress for husband 1, 2, and 3 ... that she had ... and for some unknown reason, my parents think I give a flying fuck about her life ... My first time having sex ... she didn't let me get a condom, was pissed when I pulled out. She grew up in a poor family, and saw me as a business owner as a good way to get out of that lifestyle. I was warned later that day that she was already pregnant and looking for a baby-daddy. A couple of weeks later, I got a call from her, she had become a run-a-way from her parents and wanted to live with me as the police were hunting for her ... My only regret in life was getting involved with her ... stupid hormones. Perhaps all of this is why I freeze up around women. Why I can't flirt for the life of me when I WANT to flirt, but apparently I unknowingly flirt all the time. (I call it good manners) My wife has been amazing ... getting me back to trusting women. Slowly ... and I'm starting to get good at fully understanding women (or at least her). This post was stuck in my head after sharing more details about losing my virginity on that blogger's post. Thinking back over everything, I think I finally understand why I freeze up around women. I have removed one thought splinter from my head, I still have two more stuck in there, biding their time till I'm ready to pick them out and post them here. Have fun, Feel young, Be safe ...  -out- Visit my blog if you want to at thax013 and thank you very much! |
Become a member to create a blog
