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| Blogs > Old_Soldier45 > Musings Of An Old Soldier |
The Dark Side Of AFF
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The Dark Side Of AFF The Dark Side Of Gay Hookup Zone Well folks, I know you are all waiting to hear more of my embarrassing dating stories.....lol, and there are more, but as usual I am going to change things up a bit, just to annoy you all to be honest.....lol. This is going to be more of a serious blog, something that I have picked up on since being back on the site, and it not only applies to this site, but to all social sites/dating sites/sex sites, and I hope to garner some responses, it’s something to think about.....The Dark Side Of Gay Hookup Zone (sounds so ominous). Now once again, I feel the need to preface this blog with a brief description of Gay Hookup Zone. For most people it’s simply an opportunity to play voyeur, or to “Perv” for lack of a better response. To view photos, videos or webcams, perhaps to discover new things or to stimulate our own desires......in other words something to whack off too. For a smaller group, it’s a tool to find others to interact with and share their personal desires with.....people in the “lifestyle” if you will. But there is a third very small group, but to a grumpy old bastard like me, a very vulnerable group that to be honest shouldn’t be on here, at least not in the mental or emotional state they seem to be in currently. Being pathetically bored and not having a life, I have both the time and opportunity to surf thousands of profiles. Now being a heterosexual male, the profiles I surf are strictly female.....so the discussion I am beginning is focused on that, though I will ask my female friends to enlighten me if they witness the same in men. Having been active online on dating sites for years and on this site off and on, I have noticed that there are some women who are incredibly vulnerable. When I say vulnerable, I mean they are not emotionally capable of dealing with the harsh and somewhat brutal environment of online social interaction. It is a psychological fact that women are much more emotionally sensitive than men, and tend to be less self-absorbed, while at the same time it is inherent in many women to nurture and trust. These characteristics, combined with the need in today’s society to spend more time in online interaction than face to face, has allowed a new form of predatory behaviour in individuals, in this case men, to abuse these women and create what I predict in years to come will be a new and decisive factor in women’s depressive schemas. I can think of a dozen profiles I have read where the first instinctual reaction within me was “they need help”, and not in a critical or mocking sense, but in a truly empathetic sense. There are very lonely women out there, women who have been seriously abused in past relationships, women who think they are completely worthless based on that abuse, who are online seeking “a relationship”. And there is absolutely no doubt in my cynical mind, that the relationships and men they are attracting is nothing but predatory, manipulative and even dangerous. I have viewed a ladies profile that had dozens of videos on it, trying to attract anyone, literally verbalizing in her profile that she accepts that she is unattractive and that she is willing to do anything in order for someone to desire her.....or just spend time with her. There are a few ladies on here that are so obviously clinically depressed, who are so lonely, that they will do anything, accept anything, just to convince themselves they can find “Love”. I cannot even come close to saying how many interactions I have had with women online where one of the first comments they make is acknowledging their flaws, admitting that past partners didn’t find them attractive or criticized them and they have come to accept this criticism as fact. And for every one of those ladies, there are dozens of predatory men, who have the routine down pat, who will say whatever it takes, do whatever needs to be done to get that woman to do whatever they want........simply to satisfy an “urge”. The fact is online behaviour has very few limitations, there is no “code of conduct” and not even the normal day to day social niceties and rules that we abide by in our daily lives seem very prevalent in online interactions. People can create whole new “Personas”, and many do, either completely or partially. The anonymity of being online, a faceless entity behind a keyboard, where others are forced by circumstance to accept our portrayal of ourselves, whether it’s accurate or not, simply because there is no way to confirm anything without meeting and investing time with each other to find out if there was deception or not. And by the time the truth comes out......inevitably someone is hurt....and perhaps irrevocably so. What can we do.....it’s easy to sit back and watch a train wreck....to think “God that is horrible”. It’s easy to do what I am doing, get on a soapbox and condemn that which we perceive to be wrong, to lecture and pontificate, but in reality achieving nothing. There is no way to police the behaviour, or to “save” people from their own behaviour online. The medium and the freedom it allows is also the root cause of the problem. We can speak up and tell those we think vulnerable to “be careful”. I have done that, I have witnessed women end up getting abused, both physically and emotionally, I have witnessed women taken for thousands of dollars, and felt the frustration of wanting to just shake them and say “stop it”. But that is the nature of depression and loneliness; it prevents the individual from viewing things from a healthier perspective. There is no way to police the predators....can you imagine the internet if we could actually remove everyone who lied.......pretty desolate place. There is no way to prevent people from doing anything that they want to do, no matter how it affects others. Which is the saddest part of all this. Has the internet created a completely new social medium where integrity, respect and even basic social skills are neither necessary but are actually unwanted. Where we are no longer real live breathing, feeling individuals, but things....things that either offer us what we want or don’t, no more no less. When was the last time, any of us, in IMC, or chat or email really cared what the person we were corresponding with actually felt, or reacted to what we did or said. Isn’t it easier to click the “X” and move on? Think about it, in real life you wouldn’t walk up to someone in Safeway and say “Hi, you’re cute.....show me your pussy”, and then turn around and ask the next when they refuse or we don’t like what we see. But is there even a hesitation when it comes to that behaviour online? We have become irrelevant in the greater scheme of things, replaceable and inconvenient. That scares me folks.... Sarge |
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  not just a pretty face are ya?? lol hmmm...or should that be not even a pretty face  Excellent blog...one of the best i've ever read  "A full blown basket of hash browns with a steaming cup of 'WTF?" on the side" Enter my Lair: spudsy1000
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Great post. I agree, there are many vulnerable people being taken advantage of on here. It's quite sad really. I have read so many stories and thought "you should NOT be dating, especially fellows like that" People learn in their own time I suppose. ArtemisJ is Keeping It Real
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3/22/2011 8:44 pm |
You put voice to something that most people look away from. I respect you for that... it's good to make people think twice. Great post. "I reject your version of reality & substitute my own"  Offended Yet? Sign Here: [post 2929227] I mean seriously, DO IT!! Have you ever tried Sloggin' it? Blogger Slogger The best of some of the Canucks I love: [blog CanadaWeek]
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Sarge You are correct. There are innocents here that just do not have any social website street smarts and naively expose themselves literally and pictorially. Unfortunately it is mainly women, but there are men also. The innocents and the hawks are of both genders. It is just the 12 men to 1 woman ratio that seem to accentuate. Have befriended and helped teach a few ladies how to protect themselves, and their & their family's privacy. Maybe it is the Big Brother instinct in us to be nice guys. Tis an old habit that dies hard.  A dog will not tell you he has fleas but you can tell by the way he scratches. Graham Willet Come visit openagenda: provocative thought, adult discussions, sexy pics & giggles.  Is This How Friday The GET IT ON Solution MASSAGE exploring partners SEDUCTION Love What is it Relationship Rules Trust and other Issues Essence Be In Tune Does Size Matter The Facts Hand in Hand
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Sarge: If thats what you are, Old soldier never I think you should write a book on this, excellent writer.............DallasHeaven
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I've only been on here a few months and learned pretty quick who i can chat with and who to stay away from. I'm pretty good at reading people so i am always careful. The volunerability with alot of these women start as preteens and teens, i see it every day at work. And it's pretty sad at how low they're self esteem is, after the abuse they go thru from, for alot of them isn't just the boys/men they date but their own families. Sometimes we just want to give these parents a swift kick in the ass and tell them to fuckin dummy up and look at what they are doing to their children.But its a vicious cycle that more often than not never gets broken. Whew thanx for that lil venting sessions there...lol. But anyways, i am also one of those people that doesn't care what others think. I don't put up with crap and negativity in my life. Life is just way to short for that. Always look for ward to reading ur blogs, keep up the great writing Sarge!
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I landed here based on eroticneed's pimp. I don't generally read women's profiles here (except maybe female bloggers, just so I can find out more about them). I haven't heard much about the "pathetic female" profiles you are referring to. Generally, we women hear men do nothing but complain about what uppity, "our shit doesn't stink" bitches we are because, "dammit ... this is a sex site, we know you're here to fuck because you can't get laid anywhere else." Really and truly, some guy posted that in his blog today ... I laughed myself silly. If I must say though ... even if the internet weren't around, those sad women would find some way to be available to abusers and manipulators. They just invite trouble ... especially by walking around wearing their insecurities and victim-mentality on their shoulders like that. Yup, the internet gives men the ultimate freedom to be completely rude, but it also gives us the relative safety to fire back a "fuck you" without any real consequences.
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4/3/2011 8:37 pm |
Very nice read indeed!! [post 977684] [post 1673788] [post 1567265] [post 2508587] [post 2511504] [post 2589132] Are You Ready For........[post 2587359] Check it out & particpate!! The BHL Blog Interviews...[post 2597695] The BHL Blog Index.......[post 2594103]     
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I have to say I am impressed, I truly expected more negative comments from this blog. Its nice to see that there are people who can use a medium such as this with some maturity and some sense of responsibility for their actions.....too many don't. And there was a very good point by one of the responders that the issue isn't strictly a female one....but of both genders. I truly and honestly believe that when damaged people start interacting online, they only become worse......hell there are some who think that I qualify....lol. Sarge
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I've seen a lot of what you refer too, however I don't agree that everyone is rude on line, it's just a few who make it seem so. The internet is both the best and worst thing to come along since the invention of the wheel. Most people lie on here but I don't think most do t to excess. It also opens up possibilities that we would not have any other way. I'd never have met Eve but for the internet. There's assholes everywhere but the internet just makes them more visible. The 5 foot 9 inch tall guy with a bald head and pot gut can become Rambo with a few key strokes...and many do. If I Had Known I'd Live This Long I'd Have Taken Better Care Of Myself..!!
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I came to this blog after reading EN's. Good post.
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What an incredibly sensitive and smart post- I will be sharing a link to this on my blog. Bless you for this. what the world needs now..........    
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Hey Old_Soldier45, I saw this and had to post. I admire that you brought out both sides of this so we know it isn't just one gender over the other. I want to add to this that it isn't just online as someone else pointed out too. I am not a drop dead gorgeous woman by any means, but I know how I am built. I have been built this way since I was 14.. the perfect "10"... 38-28-38. Now I am 40-30-40 so I am an adult, but still that perfect X figure. Aside from they do not make clothes to fit it i.e. if it fits in the top it doesn't at the waist I have bunches all over and look fat, or if it fits the waist it is way too tight in the top, it is NOT fun at all. Why would I say that? Because I get looked at by 'most' men as nothing but a walking boobie doll. My waist being 10 inches smaller than me even accentuates it more so they do nothing bit drool and act like total predatory morons. I have heard just about every ignorant line since I was 14 due to it. I have blonde hair and blue eyes so I am the BBBB, which is the blue eyed, blonde haired, big boobed BIMBO. They seem to think I am one of the women you talk about with low self esteem and have no brain whatsoever. I HAVE had men walk right up to me and rudely blurt out "nice tits" as if I didn't know I had a set. Trust me, it is NOT a compliment to me. I know many women want to hear that crap, I do not. I don't need to be nor want to be seen as a mindless boobie doll that is so insecure that if you don't notice my tits I will die and cease to exist. On the contrary, I am intelligent and articulate, I have very diverse likes and dislikes, I read tons, and can hold a conversation on just about any subject. I love to learn and do things. Most men sadly cannot handle that. They SAY they like intelligent women, but that is only till they find out I know more than them. I truly do not mean to sound condescending or conceited, but my dad played hockey for the Detroit Sons. I know more about hockey than most normal people do as I grew up with it. Want to see a group of PO-ed men??? Talk hockey and have them find out I really DO love the sport and am not a groupie i.e. ice lice. I am sorry to make this long, but I wanted all my thoughts out as best as I can. Truly, men DO approach me as if I am an imbecile and say some of the dumbest things thinking if they only say I am cute I will spread my legs. If they talk about hockey because I like it I will fall at their feet because I am a dumb blonde that thinks sports men are neato.. umm..sorry.. farthest from the truth. I actually find them pathetic as they try to 'prey' upon me to get their rocks off. I DO NOT THINK EVERY MAN I MEET DOES THIS. I want to make that clear. I can tell who is and who isn't. If you start to talk hockey and in 5 minutes you are looking around the room that means you did not really approach me to talk about hockey plain and simple. Some of the signs are totally obvious. I actually had a man that found out I didn't drink. He said how he would LOVE to see me with a few drinks in me. He had been trying to get me to play with him for over an hour. At this point I simply had had enough and I told him outright, no joke, "So you want to get me drunk so you can get to f*ck me and you don't care that I didn't want to in the first place?? You honestly would do that to me and not even consider that I may be in the shower crying and trying to get your touch off of me as I didn't want to have sex with you, but the alcohol made me more 'pliable' and you used it to get your way??" He was astonished. He just sat there. If someone is having fun already, laughing, joking, having and out and out blast, you know they don't like the taste of alcohol at all, why else would you want to put a few drinks in them to 'loosen them up' when there is no loosening needed?? There ARE men that will do whatever it takes to get laid and they honestly do NOT care if that women is going to feel like sh*t in the morning. They don't even think about morning, h*ll they got to f*ck the bbbb!!! I am going to end this with for all the men that say that good guys finish last, guess what.. most of you HATE 'good girls'. I am not talking 'good girls' as a secret code for bad girls, I mean really GOOD girls. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't get high, and I do not mess around and be promiscuous. I am extremely faithful in fact. They approach me and call me a prude, high maintenance, a b*tch, and a plethora of other words because they couldn't get their way. They say these mean things in hopes I will change and give in. Yet, when they get married THAT is the woman they want. One that is faithful and won't hurt them, won't cheat on them. A good girl can like sex and just not talk about it folks. Because I don't spew out every time I get dicked or what position I love the most does not mean I am a b*tch. Because I don't put out to every guy that says I am cute does not mean I am difficult. It means you didn't get your way plain and simple. The number of men that have honestly tried to 'prey' upon me hoping I was one of those women with low self esteem is just off the charts. I wanted to let you know that it happens everywhere now it seems. Society has deemed sex so unimportant that 'hooking up' is now what you do when you are bored. We teach children that bj's are not sex and girls are thinking if they want to fit in they better do it or they are left out. Sex is not all about one sex or the other. It surely shouldn't be so important to fit in that we do things we don't want to do. I can attest that if one doesn't do it and doesn't fit in you WILL be left out of most functions. Personally, I would rather be happy and alone than with someone and miserable. Again, sorry for the long post, but I am happy to be me, happy to be prudent in my choices, and don't give a CHIT what another thinks of me. I have to live with myself so "I" am the only one that has to be happy here. I have found quite a few, although not the majority, but quite a few that like me just as I am too. Good post!!
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I love rdy2try4's response!! Your post is great, Sarge! I like to think I'm one of the "prudent" ones. I have my rules in place, and the only time I have regrets (usually) is when I do something and break them. Not sure how my profile comes off, but I seem to not get "predator" types. I agree with other responders though: the internet is much like real life. If you attract the "predators" online... you're going to be attracting them in real life too. Guess it's a good thing I wander around with my "Professional Lady" persona... in public and online. Strangers get the "Quiet, dignified, lady, professional, polite". Those who care enough to dig further and bond... get the goofy, frisky, adventurous, still professional but laid back, still polite but the cracks show "me".
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Great Read. Thanks for penning it & all the responses are spot on too.Happy Canada Day weekend!!
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I've only been here since May and one of my saddest discoveries is that this is the opposite of community. Sure, there's a little community amongst us bloggers, but even with that subgroup there is strife and anger and backstabbing. Gay Hookup Zone to me feels worse than the default in the real world, with so little love and so much predation. The tantra and Burner communities in San Diego are so much more supportive - because we know one another, and because we start from love, not from need. I feel unsafe here myself; I can't imagine how women feel. Great post, Sarge.
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There isn't much I can add to the praise you've already received. I'm sure you know it's a great post too. Nice work. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Great post.
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