Cell Phone Do Not Call List
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Posted:Jan 20, 2006 3:26 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3288 Views
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JUST A REMINDER....31 days from today, all cell are being released to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sale calls. ...YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE CALLS...
To prevent this, call the following number from your cell phone. It is the National DO NOT CALL list. It will only take a minute of your time. It blocks your number for five (5) years.
HELP OTHERS BY PASSING THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS
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On Aging.
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Posted:Jan 18, 2006 5:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3344 Views
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down
to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man
gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the
kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on
top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
! "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate
of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says -
"Where's my toast?
Keep Reading
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?"
"Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a
good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well
then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still
drive!"
Keep Reading
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Keep Reading
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
>"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
Keep Reading
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris
replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur. Be careful.'"
Keep Reading
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis
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BOOK REPORTS
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Posted:Jan 16, 2006 3:08 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3268 Views
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Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories !
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing
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AMISH ELEVATOR
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Posted:Jan 15, 2006 10:41 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3259 Views
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An Amish boy and his father were in The Mall of American for the very first time.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy
asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator before)
responded, ", I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light up in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a
drop-dead gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his ....."Go get your mother."
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100 % and then some.
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Posted:Jan 14, 2006 3:56 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3185 Views
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Subject: NUMEROLOGY
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96 %
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103 %
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bullshit that will put you over the top. 
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Designated what?
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Posted:Jan 13, 2006 9:18 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3266 Views
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Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained
still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Happy New Year everyone!!!
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Irish Humor
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Posted:Jan 12, 2006 7:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3436 Views
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the
wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd
been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to
bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood
from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my ," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop
on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this
several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit"
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Remember these Predictions?
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Posted:Jan 3, 2006 7:17 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2006 1:26 am
3370 Views
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"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, Inventor of TV
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." - - Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project
"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom." -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what . is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible," -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make," -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out," -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this," - - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy," -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented," -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- professor of electrical engineering, New York University
"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
And last but not least...
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
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Remember When ....
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Posted:Jan 3, 2006 7:11 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3130 Views
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Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
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Subject: Ron
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Posted:Jan 2, 2006 6:02 pm
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2006 5:09 pm
3114 Views
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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest . She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of fperiodsreshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism
of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed, Ron
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Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator
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Posted:Dec 31, 2005 6:17 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3600 Views
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1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
 SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
1 DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it
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Reason, Season and Lifetime (Author unknown)
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Posted:Dec 31, 2005 1:42 am
Last Updated:Jul 8, 2006 4:33 pm
3605 Views
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People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.
When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to
provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at the right or convenient time, this relationship will come to an end.
We must realize that our need has been met, their work is done and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to be with them to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, knowledge, understanding, and hope or maybe just make you laugh.
They may teach you something. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. The season may be a few months or many years, but not forever.....
They are with you only for a season or perhaps some years.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build
upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept
the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Some of these people will come and go in your life, they will walk again with you when the time is right, the need is there and walk on when the reason has been fulfilled.
Thank you for being a part of my life. It could have been for a moment or a
season... either way it was a contribution to my life....
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Apples and grapes.
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Posted:Dec 24, 2005 5:37 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3578 Views
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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!
Now men, men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and its up to women to stomp the s --- out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
~~MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR~~
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To link to this blog (Goldenhairgodess) use [blog Goldenhairgodess] in your messages.
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