"Is There Anything You'd Like to Ask Me?"
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Posted:Apr 24, 2017 12:28 pm
Last Updated:Oct 25, 2018 11:47 am
16268 Views
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This is a ridiculous question. Learn to stop asking it.
The inevitable question: Him: Is there anything you’d like to ask me?
No, there isn’t. If there was, I’d have IMed you to do so.
This is ALWAYS because men have given absolutely NO thought whatsoever as to where to take the conversation once it gets started. There is always a specific moment where this question comes up ... it is always early in the conversation, immediately after the checklist questions.
You know what I mean by "checklist questions" …
How are you today?
What are you up to?
What are you looking for?
What do you do for a living?
Do you have pics?
...uh oh, out of questions to ask...
Umm, is there anything you’d like to ask me?
As the guy, MAN UP and take the lead.
You initiated the conversation, the burden is on you to carry that conversation. This is a clumsy attempt at sidestepping a social responsibility that you shouldn't be trying to sidestep in the first place!
You need more than a few basic questions to get things flowing. None of those questions open up conversation in any meaningful way. There’s just not enough range of possible responses to get things moving. These are all questions that universally get met with vague and guarded responses.
The perennial problem in chatting with women online is how to make conversation out of nothing. It isn’t the easiest skill in the world to master, nor does it come natural to most people. Especially when dealing with someone who has no pic and a vague profile, the cards are really stacked against you.
However, I’ve tried it and it CAN be done. I gave my specific thought process in this post – Play by Play of How I Have Conversations. Included in that is how to handle monosyllabic grunt-like responses. Maybe you don’t like my approach, I don’t claim to have the only successful method, but having no method at all is guaranteed failure.
You simply cannot fall back on "Is there anything you’d like to ask me?" to bail you out of a mess of a conversation you created by your lack of forethought.
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Some Thoughts About When I Converse with Couples
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Posted:Apr 17, 2017 7:50 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2022 3:31 pm
16626 Views
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Whether you’re solo or part of a couple, I know how I like to be talked to. So if you’re a couple, here’s a couple of notes to keep in mind.
Getting straight to it, I outright do not believe you are a couple. You’re a married guy looking for a little action on the side.
How do I know this? Because she is NEVER around. I have yet to speak to her. She’s always mysteriously away. She’s always at work. Always tired. Always sleeping. Always an excuse. So much so, that it is clear that if we were to ever agree to meet, I’m 100% certain you’ll find a convenient excuse as to why she can’t make it.
In other words … you are not a couple.
Maybe I’m way off base here, but there’s just NO WAY that if my husband and I wanted to spice up our sex lives in this way that I’d just leave it all to him and be a disinterested party. That just doesn’t pass the smell test.
So this begs the question, if you really are a couple, how do you approach women?
I can’t say this is universal, but these are my rules based on my experiences here (nearly all bad experiences).
The woman MUST be the one who does the initiating
If I see a couples profile pop up on my IM, see a woman’s pic next to it, you open by telling me your a couple … well … then … I’m expecting you to be a couple. I don’t know how that’s confusing to all you couples out there.
It is entirely inappropriate to wait a dozen lines into the conversation you reveal you’re all by yourself at the moment. At this point, I’m feeling taken advantage of. The basis for my decision to talk to you has been taken away from me. It is manipulative.
Please, save the excuses, you know there is no justification for this.
Ditch the couple’s profile if the woman is not in the mix
You’re just a guy. No matter what permissions you may have, this isn’t some unique situation. There are more than enough open relationships out there, especially on this site. This does not require a couple’s profile. Make a profile for a guy, and put Married in the box for Relationship Status. You’re going to do that because that’s what you are.
Excuses in this regard come across as lame. It takes 10 seconds to create an account that accurately represents who you are.
Even if you are an actual couple, you’re not some magical unicorn
I don’t know if real couples are actually doing this or not, but the fake ones sure are … but please don’t think I’m so enthralled by the prospect of having a threesome with you that you’re somehow the shit. You’re not. Nearly every couple seems to think I’m frothing at the mouth wanting to meet them despite their dull and thoroughly uninspiring conversations.
Same rules apply as for single people, if you’re dull and uninteresting online, I’m going to find you dull and uninteresting offline. Why would being a couple exempt you from that?
You still need to have an interesting conversation to get me interested.
Personally, just speculation here, but I think this is why so many solo guys are using couple’s profiles. They think it magically frees them from the constraints of social norms that apply to everyone else. They think I’m so interested in this rare offer that I will overlook lame conversation and any notion that we may not even be compatible.
I’m not into couples. Despite how threesomes look in porn, they always struck me as awkward in reality. However, every once in a while some couple will message me and try to change my mind. Depending on my mood, I may give you a shot and converse with you. However, so many of you are solo guys that it often isn’t worth my time. These are all the issues that are dead give-aways that you’re not for real.
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Play by Play of How I Have Conversations
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Posted:Apr 10, 2017 11:54 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2022 3:39 pm
15805 Views
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When creating conversation out of nothing, be prepared for vague responses and learn how to roll with them by mentally mapping out how to handle expected responses
So you see a woman who lives nearby on your IM list. She has no pic and a one sentence profile that says absolutely nothing. In order to talk to her, you'll have to make conversation out of nothing.
When faced with this situation, most guys will ask about their weekend and hope that they get a response that is sufficiently detailed to induce follow up conversation. In the history of the this website ... nay, in the history of the entire Internet ... this has NEVER happened.
Guys, while she's giving you responses that are the cyber equivalents of grunts, they are so thoroughly expected that it is hard to have any sympathy for you guys not being able to roll with them. Just take a minute and plan out how things can go. What are her range of responses? Which ones are women most likely going to go with any any given conversation?
So I thought I'd write something about how I handle conversations, giving an example of one from the beginning to see how I put it all together and my thought process behind it.
How was your weekend? Get to go out and enjoy the good weather?
Advantages: It’s a solid opening line, doesn’t have any of the obvious errors many make (for example, it doesn’t use pet names, or isn’t overly sleazy, etc). It is short and to the point. It says more than just “Hi.”
Sidenote: Personally, I’m not a big fan of the advice I see about opening lines. Very little of it is actually useful. My experience is that a solid opening line works better than simply saying “Hi,” but not by any huge margin. Too many other factors come into play. By all means, extract every advantage you can, but don’t get too hung up on the small stuff. If she’s available and looking to chat with new people, she’ll likely respond to any polite greeting.
Disadvantages: While it introduces a topic for discussion (normally a good thing), understand that the topic isn’t exactly scintillating. She’s likely going to give a vague response.
There are no perfect opening lines. You can’t be witty, intelligent, conversational, lively, sane, “Nice but with a hint of Bad Boy” and all that … all in one mere sentence. There’s only so much that can be realistically be conveyed without writing a novel. So while there are some disadvantages any that will ultimately be used. It doesn’t make it wrong to use it. It just means to be prepared is all.
Stayed in the entire weekend. Caught up on sleep.
So we got what we expected. She doesn’t offer much to use to further the conversation. Being prepared for it, however, the conversation need not die at this stage.
Option A: She mentioned she caught up on sleep, talk about that.
Option B: Offer up something you did with your weekend to spur conversation, or offer something that could have been done
Option C: Be sexy and suggestive, I mean, that’s what we’re here for, right?
Option A is boring beyond words. She’s offering that lame response because she doesn’t want to talk about her weekend. This forces her on the very subject she’s signaling she wants to avoid.
Option C, even if it is not overly sleazy, is too soon in the conversation. There will be a time for this, just not right now.
I’ve had the most success with Option B.
I finally got to whip out the barbecue. After a long hibernation, I gorged myself on meat
Cool
Not much of a response. I wasn’t expecting much else here anyway. That’s okay, though, this is only the “pleasantries” part of the conversation. The primary goal at this stage of the conversation was to simply get her talking. Granted, it isn’t much, but it is enough. So … Mission Accomplished in that regard, she’s talking.
However, it does mean that I have to shift gears now. She hasn’t given us anything to work with. Don’t force a bad hand. Just adapt and keep going.
So, where to go now? She has a vague profile with no pics. Where do you go in the conversation when you have nothing to work with?
Option A: Ask for pics
Option B: Ask about her relationship status
Option C: Without being sleazy, be sexy and suggestive
I don’t like Option A. Many people, both men and women, outright expect this at this stage of the conversation. However I am clearly not one of them. Thinking ahead here, where is this going? Do I really want 12 lines of conversation forcing me to say “Oh, you’re very handsome”? I hate that. Being backed into a corner like that isn’t worth satisfying my curiosity (and yes, I actually am curious). I’ve found that women will ask when the time is right … and when that happens you score bonus points for never bringing it up.
I promise you Option C will eventually be the right answer. Really. Just not now. Settle down boy.
So Option B it is. Not only is it something you want to know about her, it opens the door to tell her about you. This is information she needs, so you need to bring it up at some point. Don’t just assume that because your profile says “Single” that she doesn’t need to hear you directly say it. Everyone says they’re single, so she’s second guessing it. Single can mean different things to different people.
You’re switching to an objective that both gets and gives some needed information about each other. You’re presenting yourself as being open and honest.
Didn’t spend the weekend with anyone? Would have been a nice day to spend in the park with someone. No bf or anything? And don’t tell me you don’t have one.
No, nothing serious. Could have used some company
FYI: “Nothing serious” is VASTLY different than “Not seeing anyone”
Nothing here either. Just got out of a relationship about a year ago. Just biding my time until someone special comes along
I know how that goes, too many losers out there, or guys with a ton of baggage
Notice her word count is increasing. She’s not giving up much, but she’s gradually getting more comfortable.
Option A: Start ratcheting things up here
Option B: We’re making steady progress, so keep making progress. Now isn’t the time to blow it.
Option C: Can I PLEASE now change to sexy talk? I mean, we’re both single and looking, what am I waiting on?
No, you can’t switch to overt sex talk right now.
Progress is being made here, but not fast enough. People here just aren’t patient enough to sit through an hour and a half of mere slow-and-steady progress. So Option B is out.
She’s asking you to qualify yourself, that’s a good sign. Although not in the form of a question, she’s asking you “Are you a loser or a crazy person?”
As far as Shit Tests go, this is as mild as it gets. However, it is a sign that she’s responding favorably (in fact, harder Shit Tests are actually better signs). That gives you a little wiggle room at this stage to take a few more liberties. Just be careful whenever it comes to qualifying yourself … you should never, ever qualify yourself. Remember, whatever qualities you verbally tell her get totally and completely disregarded. So don’t answer such questions. Learn to cleverly side-step them.
Oh no, she’s on to me! Run!
Nah, I’m just kidding. What has you up so late? No work in the morning?
Classic Agree and Amplify. By following it up with another line in quick succession changes the subject (and avoids the qualifying yourself issue), and also serves to remove the parity of conversation and allows for a more free flowing dialog
LOL, no time for losers here!
Already in bed, watching tv before I fall asleep
There’s an opportunity here. It won’t always come up here. Sometimes you have to do a few rounds of pleasantries before you hit something like this where you stumble across an opportunity you can exploit.
The question then becomes: Do you go for it?
Option A: Don’t blow it here! Play it safe and show her you’re a decent guy.
Option B: Be flirty and suggestive.
Actually, this is the time for it. I told you it would happen eventually. Time to go with Option B. Just don’t be sleazy about it.
You’re in bed for me already? What kind of guy do you take me for?
“Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me”
Maybe
But you’re actually older than me, that reference doesn’t apply
Damn, I just can’t seem to get that crossed off my bucket list
You have fantasies about older women?
This the moment you know you’re in with her, when she starts asking questions. It shows she’s engaged and interested in you. Even better, you got her to ask about your sexual interests
Doesn’t everybody?
Even if she’s old and wrinkly?
Yeah baby! Osteoporosis turn me on! It’s not a fun night unless someone’s worried about throwing out a hip
Agree and Amplify again
Eww, bad mental imagery there
As if your sexual bucket list is any better?
There’s a few things still left on it winky face emoji
Do tell
Do you have a pic?
This is a really good sign. By dodging your question, she’s starting to be more assertive in the conversation and not just being a passive dead fish. It means he’s interested and invested in the conversation. Even better, you got her to ask for the pic, that’s bonus points.
From here, things are moving freely. My only suggesting in moving forward is to make it flirty and not brazenly sexual. In fact, let the conversation meander in and out of sexual stuff. You’ll win a lot of points that way. The priority, however, is to get the conversation there in the first place.
This is the thought process behind having a plan. This is a concrete example of how to transition from the pleasantries of “Hi, how are you?” to “Tell me what’s on your sexual bucket list.” Most guys cannot do this well. They either play it safe from the beginning and it goes nowhere, or they get overly aggressive and get rejected. But with a little bit of anticipation, you can easily guide the conversation to where you want it without it feeling stilted and awkward.
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When Talking to Black Women
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Posted:Apr 3, 2017 6:20 am
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2017 11:38 am
16779 Views
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Guys work themselves into all kinds of problems when talking to black women. Understand there are different rules for black women than for white women.
I hate getting into conversations about race on my blog, it isn’t what my blog is about. It is not that I'm uncomfortable with it, it is just a bigger subject than I know how to handle by my lonesome. There’s just too many layers to it, too many nuances.
However, there’s a lot of guys out there who simply don’t know how to talk to black women … and talking to women online IS what my blog is about, so I guess I have to address this particular subset of race relations.
Here’s some things I hear a lot when talking to guys. Most of the time when it happens to me, I blow it off. Make no mistake, however, just because I didn’t make an issue out of it in the conversation itself doesn’t mean you didn’t lose points for it. You lost a TON of points. So here goes…
"What u up 2?"
Universally, no one likes texting abbreviations. It comes across as adolescent. What’s next, aLtErNaTiNg CaPs? It just isn’t cool. It just looks ridiculous and infantile. Grow up already.
To black women, however, there’s an added concern. Is he coming at me like this because he thinks I’m some hood rat? Is this lazy typing, or thuggish street slang? It’s bad enough when black guys do this, but white guys doing it is doubly reprehensible.
I don’t buy it is an abbreviation or an accident. There’s just no way you can’t "hear" the ebonics in that, even in text form. The alternative is to try to explain how your grammar actually is that bad, and that’s not exactly something that impresses the ladies.
"You into white guys?"
Don’t ask. If you want to be progressive, play off the race issue as if it were the most normal thing in the world … because, one day, you’ll realize it IS the most normal thing in the world. The rest of us are already there, you’re the one that has to catch up.
I’m also not "into" you simply for the color of your skin. If you want me to be into you, you better say something intelligent … and quickly after that ignorant question.
"I’ve got a thing for black girls"
Thank you for reducing me to a mere fetish plaything for your amusement.
Conversely…
"I’m not normally into black girls, but you’re pretty"
Go to fucking hell
"I can say this because I have black friends..."
No … no you can’t. I don’t care what comes next, if it needs that preamble, then you can’t say it.
It is excused in various ways, not just that one, such as "…because I’ve heard black people say this..." or some other lame-ass excuse. The reason is immaterial. The very fact that you have to first justify it means you already know it is wrong.
"You don’t talk black"
First, this is ignorant.
Second, were you expecting me to talk in street ebonics? You must have been in order to be surprised. The fact that contacted me at all expecting me to talk like that indicates you were deliberately looking to go "slumming" with me.
I’m not slum material. Thanks for marginalizing me like that.
"I don’t see color"
Pretending my heritage doesn’t exist isn’t progressive. Spread the word.
This actually has the effect of demeaning my racial identity. I’m not ashamed of where I came from, we don’t have to make it into the pink elephant in the room and collectively pretend it doesn’t exist.
What you want to do is embrace diversity, not homogenize it.
The very fact that posts like this are necessary means you SHOULD be taking race into account. This is about as idiotic as saying “I don’t see gender” or "I don’t see age." Of course you see it, and you respond appropriately. Same here.
I wouldn’t say "talk to me like anyone else" by way of conclusion, as there are some definite trigger issues that you should know to avoid.
In the end, I don’t know what to tell you. On this one, there is just no substitute for genuine racial sensitivity. If you don’t have it, I can’t help you with a blog post or two. If this is hard for you, maybe you shouldn’t be navigating these waters.
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Men Should Not Pick Up the Check
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Posted:Mar 31, 2017 7:47 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2022 3:45 pm
17254 Views
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Don’t pick up the check. However noble the intentions may be, don’t let how you were raised send all the wrong messages.
I mentioned this in another post, and it came up again in a comment I made. I personally don’t believe on a site such as this that a guy should pick up the tab with a girl he meets here.
I was braced for all kinds of resistance to that. I was applying war paint to my face and preparing myself for battle. I was pleasantly surprised to find some of you guys were already there (just when I thought I was a trendsetter). Seriously, good for you guys! I really mean that. That actually makes me excited. There’s some REAL men here. Men who get it.
We need more gentlemen in the world, no doubt about it. Just learn to show it in ways that are appropriate to the situation and relationship.
Too many guys were raised on the very strict code of "Gentlemen pick up the tab no matter what, it is just the right thing to do." Look, props for trying to be decent and doing the right thing. However, it is a misguided and antiquated notion.
Issue 1: It sends mixed signals
This is bf/gf behavior. If that’s what you both want, then go for it. However, in the context of a casual relationship (anything that requires an alphabetical acronym … NSA/FWB/FB/BJnSUV or whatever the hell the current vernacular is), this is a terrible idea.
Assuming you met here, you should have already figured out what the expectations are before deciding to meet in person. This is about the worst possible moment to suddenly change course and start sending signals that you want to date instead of hang out and potentially hook up.
For one thing, she has to spend a significant part of the evening trying to figure out if this is an accidental misstep on your part, a deliberate signal, or an unconscious tell betraying underlying desires. For another, she has to now figure out how to maneuver things back on track. And she has to do all this while out with you in person without hurting your feelings.
Issue 2: It creates pressure for women
Listen up: There’s no amount of times you can say you’re not expecting anything in return … there is no magnitude of emphasis that can be added … there is no depth of meaning to be imbued that will eliminate this pressure.
There is pressure. Period.
For example, there is a Social Contract involved in simply buying a girl a drink.
For a guy, he means to convey that he’d like a chance to talk to the girl. Understanding that she doesn’t yet know if he’s worth the time, he ensures that she’s not financially impacted should she not like him. All she stands to lose is a few minutes of her time.
For me on the receiving end, it means I am obligated to talk to him for the duration of that drink. He’s not offering me a drink purely out of generosity. I am expected to politely decline the drink if I have no intention of talking to him.
So there’s pressure. Plain and simple. Maybe not pressure to sleep with the guy, but pressure nevertheless. That pressure grows and is felt more acutely as the financial and time investment grows. I am expected to respond in ways comparable to his level of investment. Eventually it will grow to the point where women feel pressured into sex. Anything less and I am expected to reject those advances.
The only way to remove that pressure is for the guy to either not pay, or go somewhere so cheap where paying is a non-issue (a cup of coffee, for example, I’m not feeling a whole lot of pressure on your investment of a buck fifty).
Issue 3: It creates a power imbalance
If you set me up as the Queen of a Thousand Subjects, you’re going to get stuck presenting yourself as yet another subject. By that analogy, I already have a thousand. Are you going to show up in my royal court bearing gifts to appease your Queen? You could do that, but understand that Queens don’t respect subjects, they respect Kings.
The thing is, I’m not asking to be the Queen of a Thousand Subjects. You’re the one setting me up as one.
Anyone who thinks elevating women to that pedestal is doing himself any favors is sorely mistaken. You forever forfeit a substantial amount of power in the relationship. You establish yourself as a doormat who will beg and plead for her approval. You can’t easily get this back once it is lost.
Issue 4: YOU are the star of the show, not the meal or the activity
Think of it this way, you have some kind of market value. As a woman, I’m trying to determine that value to see if it is enticing to me. If you have to constantly add to your market value by way of expensive meals or activities to make yourself more attractive, what does that tell me? That’s a signal that you must not think your value is all that high.
If you don’t think you’re worth the time, don’t expect women to somehow argue with you on that point. They are going to accept it and move on. All because you sent the wrong signal.
It doesn’t matter if any of these are your objective or not. You may very well be doing it because “that’s how I was raised.” Just accept that your antiquated notion of chivalry is at odds with what you’re looking for. It causes more problems than it solves, and for what?
What’s wrong with just being a decent, fun guy?
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Being a Gentleman in a Digital World
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Posted:Mar 30, 2017 6:59 am
Last Updated:Dec 15, 2017 6:43 am
17297 Views
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Women aren’t looking for Prince Charming, we’re not some helpless damsel in distress you have to rescue
We certainly don’t want Don Quixote, as misguided notions of chivalry is only going to make you look silly
Here’s how to properly display chivalry in the digital age
Old-style chivalry dictates that ALL women are beautiful and wonderful beings who should be exalted to some lofty pedestal just by virtue of being … I dunno … alive? …
The idea that women are going to magically fall in love with some stranger who slayed a dragon in our behalf is just silly. Also, dragons are mythical, as are the most of the things you men seem to think we women need protection from.
Chivalry isn’t simply odd etiquette standards that society has deemed "things gentlemen ought to do for ladies." In its proper historical context, it served a purpose. Chivalry was intended to do things that needed to get done. It was practical.
As such, how a gentleman conducts himself should change and conform to the circumstances of the day. That is my issue with chivalry and why I feel modern men need to dispense of many of the chivalrous standards that they were brought up with. They are no longer applicable. Here’s an example of what I mean...
When Victorian ladies wore hoop skirts and had to get that thing up and into a carriage, yeah, it mattered to have a man assist.
Today, I don’t like men helping me into or out of a car. For me, it has nothing to do with new-age feminism. I’m in a skirt most of the time. Getting into and out of a car is one of the most immodest actions that can be taken in a skirt. If you are so hell-bent on being chivalrous, give me my modesty, not your hand.
Being a gentleman has NEVER been about being a doormat for women. However, as the need for chivalry diminishes, nobly holding onto such antiquated notions turns a man into just that – a doormat.
I’m not suggesting scrapping the whole idea, I’m merely suggesting we rethink how it should be expressed on a site such as this.
Here’s a few thoughts that I had that are FAR more important to me than opening doors for me or paying for meals:
Text and chat without it always being a booty call
For women, this needs no explanation.
For men, it’s going to take 82 chapters with diagrams, footnotes, and cross-references.
When you text "Hey" at 12:30 AM, that’s a booty call no matter what you want to later claim.
Text me at lunchtime sometime while at work (that can never be mistaken for a booty call). If you absolutely MUST text late, make it obvious it’s not a booty call by asking "How’d you manage in all this crazy snow?" or "How’s that awful employee treating you this week?"
Limit the foul language, the street slang, and the texting abbreviations
When you’re just getting to know someone, it is expected that you’re putting your best foot forward. If this is your best, that doesn’t bode well. Too much of this is a signal of low social standing.
Don’t try to be hip, trendy, or edgy. It ends up making you look like an adolescent with his first smart phone. If you want the conversation to be on what the film industry describes as "Adult Content," then you'll have to act like an adult.
Be happy and upbeat
While this should be true all the time, it is particularly important during face to face meetings, and absolutely paramount on a first meet.
Not just to be with me, but with everyone we come in contact with in the course of the evening. Even if we get bad service at the bar, even if the waitress spills the drinks, even if I’m bitching and moaning about the depressing stuff in my life. You’re supposed to be the FUN part of my day.
Offering her a shoulder to cry on IS noble and gentlemanly. It isn’t necessarily wrong in general, it is just wrong for you. This isn’t your role. That role is handled by her friends. Friendship isn’t what you’re offering her. Offering her friendship leads to … drum roll please … the Friend-Zone.
Instead, be a gentleman by instead redirecting conversation back to positive topics.
Treat other women with respect
It goes without saying that you should do that for me, that’s expected. Where you really shine is when you do it for others. When you offer the older lady a seat without breaking stride in your conversation with me, all the while continuing as if it’s the most normal thing in the world, we notice stuff like that.
Applying it to the online/texting world, don’t talk about the other women in your life in a negative light – even your ex who is batshit crazy.
Be supportive without White Knighting
Don’t be like that guy in the bar … you know, the one that’s a little too ready and eager to step in and throw a punch for a lady. She was never that helpless in the first place, and women don’t want a savior.
I see a ton of this on the blogs. Women complain, and men can’t help but to come to their rescue. Must make them feel good to rescue the damsel in distress.
Filling her head about how right she is, and how wrong everyone else is acting towards her is displaying misplaced chivalry. Women know how to handle themselves here … especially towards the sleazy guys who come onto them. They learned that the first day they got here. They don’t need you coming to their defense.
By all means, offer an encouraging word. That’s appropriate in that situation. That’s all she’s looking for. That’s your role. She wants to vent, let her vent. You just don’t need to take up the crusade on her behalf, that’s a bit too much.
Be interesting, conversational, intelligent, and fun
I saved this one to conclude everything into one neat bow. This really isn’t a "gentlemanly" issue so much as it puts it all into its proper perspective.
Being a gentleman is not some magical etiquette standard that can supplant who you are as a person.
None of this is enough to offset your bad qualities. If you’re low class … if you’re dumb as a box of rocks … if you’re boring beyond words … no amount of chivalry scores you enough points to win a woman over.
In other words, while this may be a worthwhile discussion, it takes a second place … a distant second … to being a fun and lively person to be around. If you’re a halfway decent guy, you’ll be doing all this stuff naturally, so it won’t matter. But if you’re not a decent guy at heart, you’ll only be able to fake it for so long.
Next up, revisiting the discussion as to why men should NOT pick up the check, regardless of how chivalrous you may think it is.
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Quit Spamming the Damn Blogs!
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Posted:Mar 28, 2017 8:21 am
Last Updated:Mar 7, 2020 4:57 am
16886 Views
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Taking a break from my regularly televised programming for this important Public Service Announcement:
Here’s the deal. If I don’t like your blog, I don’t have to read it. I get it. I don’t read yours, you don’t read mine, and everyone moves on with their lives.
I’m cool with that.
However, when you spam the blog list incessantly, you push other bloggers down into oblivion with your crap posts. Now you’re affecting my posts, and I am NOT cool with that.
In the past 12 hours, there were:
One person posted 4x in less than 30 minutes. In the past 24 hours, he posted an astounding 10 times.
One posted 2x in 5 minutes. The posts could have easily been combined into one. However, to be fair, this one is not a frequent abuser of the blogs.
A regular posted 2x in 20 minutes
One 3x in less than an hour
Another 2x in 5 minutes. Random porn shots. Why it needed two different posts is mysterious to us all.
One posted 3 times in 45 minutes. Random news articles that I could have read on Yahoo news.
These people had a LOT on their minds that they wanted to share, clearly. However, guess how many comments the posters decided to respond to …
... come on, take a wild shot in the dark ...
Yup, you guessed it, a grand total of ZERO responses.
A LOT of people who actually care about their topic or audience, who took the time to write something that required thought, got bumped so far down the Recent Posts lists into obscurity because someone felt their stuff is more important and thus spammed the blogs with random topics that they themselves don’t care about.
No, sorry, but I’m calling you guys out on this. They’re blasting as many posts as they can because they enjoy seeing their name up there as much as possible. It is pure vanity. At least grow a pair of balls and say it.
You want your praise and accolades for being a Top Blogger? Here it is … “Who’s a pretty girl!!! Yes, you are, you’re the pretty girl!!!”
It never ceases to amaze me how little content many of the Top Bloggers manage to produce. They never discuss anything. They never produce any original or unique ideas. Their insights are rather pedestrian and mundane, if they share a thought at all. Too much of it is random internet porn or selfie smut porn.
They didn’t get ranked as a Top Blogger based on their intellect or the quality of their posts, they got there by spamming the damn blogs with post after post until that’s all anyone saw. The trivial comments those posts generated of little more than “Nice” and “Good job” multiplied by the sheer volume of all those ridiculous posts eventually added up to something.
Do that for enough years, and that’s how you earn a spot as a Top Blogger.
Just, please, don’t think that’s an accomplishment worthy of praise.
This is the crap that chases away the thoughtful bloggers. And then we wonder why blogland is in decline.
For clarity:
Top Blogger ≠ Quality Blogger
Top Blogger ≠ Respected Blogger
Who does this post apply to? If you can’t up your game and do better, it applies to you.
Disclaimer: This does NOT apply to those who, upon occasion, have a lot to say and blog multiple times a day on THOUGHTFUL posts. Those bloggers always have the class to space their stuff out so as not to bombard the site with their self-centered nonsense. They also engage and participate with the community.
/end angry rant
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Word Fluff
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Posted:Mar 25, 2017 5:50 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2017 5:32 am
12017 Views
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Simply vomiting more words on the screen does not mean you are having a meaningful conversation.
One of the more common types of guys here are the guys who, in an effort to keep the conversation flowing, will throw all kinds of words on the screen thinking that qualifies as a conversation. Too often, this type of guy gets frustrated when the word count discrepancy between how much he is saying and how much I am saying is almost 50:1, or even 100:1.
The reason he’s saying so much and I’m saying so little is simple: For all those words, he’s not saying anything that’s advancing the conversation.
Take this snippet of conversation for example:
Him: What are you looking for?
Me: Nothing specific
Him: I’m looking for a FWB situation. I’m not looking to change your situation, just someone I can talk to and have fun with from time to time
Here’s the question to consider guys … How much information actually got conveyed here?
Virtually nothing. It’s word fluff. Let’s break it down:
“I’m looking for a FWB situation” – That could have been safely assumed simply from your being on this site. That’s the default status for most people when they sign up here. The ones who are looking for something else recognize this and will specifically say otherwise. So unless you're saying otherwise, it's not telling me anything.
Personally, I'm against even asking this question. If you're looking for something you already know I'm assuming you're looking for, then we're already on the same page. No need to waste time stating the obvious.
“I’m not looking to change your situation” – I certainly hope not, I’ve only been talking to you for 10 seconds.
“Just someone I can talk to and have fun with from time to time” – That’s just restating what a FWB is, simply using more words than a simple acronym.
How is a girl supposed to respond to this?
Yup, you guessed it, we respond with the dreaded one word grunt-ish response. Something like “Cool” or merely “Ok.” Seriously, what other response are you hoping for? This isn’t rhetorical, what is the range of responses? There really isn’t any.
This is just one example of how one line which seems to give information really tells me nothing. Most conversations have line after line of this. I may do future posts with more examples of this.
Take a moment and consider if those words are actually conveying anything useful. Consider if the words open up conversation, or have only a limited range of responses (or no response at all).
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The Compulsive Need to Ask "What Are You Into?"
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Posted:Mar 16, 2017 7:13 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2022 3:58 pm
14573 Views
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Asking a woman what she’s into is a conversational dead end that reflects badly on you. It is best left unasked.
This is one of those questions that guys just can’t help themselves but to ask. It is a common obsessive/compulsive psychopathy here. By "common" I really mean "ubiquitous." I have not in recent memory had a conversation where this somehow did not get asked this question.
Why do you guys ask this question?
“I’m just trying to get to know her”
Actually, that’s an honest answer. But that only makes it more reprehensible.
The one and only thing guys want to know about us is our sexual proclivities. That’s really what bothers women the most about it. Nothing else is of any interest, except the degree of freakiness.
You don’t want to get to know her and what type of person she is, you merely want to know what kind of sex you can expect from her. This reduces women to the status of mere sexual plaything. It is demeaning and insensitive.
The problem here is that, even if I were to answer it, it doesn’t open up conversation. Here’s what happens if you try:
Him: What are you into?
Me: Nothing particularly exotic
Him: Oral sex? Vaginal sex?
Me: I think that’s a pretty safe assumption for nearly all women here
Him: Nothing else?
Me: As I said, nothing exotic
Him: How about anal? Do you like anal sex?
Me: I just met you, I’m not having anal sex with you
Him: I know, I’m just wondering what you like is all
Me: I’m not a big fan of anal, and I absolutely won’t do it with a new partner
Him: But you’ve done it?
Me: Why is it so important for you to hear me say it? Yes, I’ve done it
I hope it was worth it to hear me say that, because now I’m defensive and annoyed
This is NOT a conversation. None of these questions need to be asked. Nothing of any significance got revealed. It is not getting you any closer to meeting me. You’re sending all the wrong messages and you’re losing points every step of the way.
I will keep repeating this until it sinks in, but early in the conversation you only have a limited number of lines before I become disinterested. Don’t waste them on this kind of word fluff.
You know what a conversation like this sounds like to women who get this? Let me tell you how this comes across:
Him: What are you into? I need to get off. So I need to hear about your sexual exploits
Me: The usual stuff
Him: That’s not good enough. You have to describe it in detail. You need to use words like “pussy” and “tits” or I won’t be able to masturbate to completion. Do you like sucking dick?
Me: I enjoy oral
Him: No! You have to say DICK. Do you like sucking DICK?? Oh my god, I’m so fucking HARD here and you’re not helping. Do it right!!!!
Me: Ok, ok … don’t have an aneurysm … I like sucking dick
Him: Do you want dick in your pussy?
Me: What you’re describing is sex. This is a sex site. I’m pretty sure everyone here enjoys sex or they wouldn’t bother being here
Him: No! You have to say how WET your PUSSY is
Me: Because you’re being so insistent … yeah, my pussy gets wet when I think about having sex, doesn’t everyone’s?
Him: Unghh …. unghhh …. ohhh … mmmmmmm
Him: I just came in my pants. Want me to take a pic of it for you?
Me: Seriously? What are you? 12?
This sounds like a bad Beavis and Butthead skit. Yet this is what you guys sound like when you hammer away at asking me about my sexual interests!
Guys, when you ask about my sexual interests, it is entirely because you need to be titillated by hearing me use sexual expressions. It is infantile. It sounds like you’re seeking praise for “making poopy like a big boy.” Act like a friggin MAN! Act like someone who’s been around women before.
“If you were to ask the question in return, then maybe we’d actually have a conversation, that’s how conversations work”
We won’t ever ask in return. Here’s why:
Because it is way too early in the conversation for us to be thinking about what kind of sex we can expect from you.
“You can’t deny that sexual compatibility is important”
I have yet to find a fetish so bizarre or absurd that the guy I’m talking to was put off by it. So this is a ridiculous assertion.
“It’s a SEX site, what’s wrong with talking about sexual interests?”
Oh, I WILL be talking about sex while I’m here. Dirty, raunchy sex. Sorry if I gave the impression otherwise.
I just won’t be talking about it with you.
You’re not savvy enough to draw it out of me.
Trying to skip the “drawing it out of me” part out of some misguided notion of “this is a sex site for crying out loud” is guaranteed failure. So go ahead and keep insisting on it. See where that gets you.
Guys, we like sex. There’s really no need to ask. It never opens up conversation. At best, you’ll get an evasive answer such as “Nothing weird or exotic.” At worst, you’ll end up antagonizing her. Being that it doesn’t ever help you, just don’t ask the question. Wherever you planned on taking the conversation after that part, just skip straight to that. You’ll progress the conversation a whole lot farther that way.
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Handle Initial Rejection Like a Boss - part 3
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Posted:Mar 15, 2017 5:47 am
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2017 12:46 pm
12949 Views
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Suggesting meeting in person should NEVER be offered in the conversation simply because you ran out of things to say.
Seriously guys, I mean it when I say never.
Jumping straight to the conclusion: This is a conversation killer. Every time. One from which you will not recover.
It is amazing what percentage of the conversation is spent exclusively talking about meeting … offering to meet, not taking no for an answer, offering again, and again … me saying no, still saying no, explaining why I’m saying no … enough already!
If you spent half as much time actually engaging people in conversation you might actually get laid from time to time.
I’m convinced it comes up as often as it does because guys don’t know what else to say. They don’t know how to guide a conversation. They finally get a response from a girl online, yet have given no thought whatsoever as to what to say after the initial “Hi.” So when they’re stuck, they just default back to “Let’s meet.”
We all know how this goes:
(guy with a vague profile and a penis pic, picking up the conversation immediately after the initial greetings)
Him: So what are you looking for?
Me: Nothing specific, I’ll know it when I see it
Him: What are you into?
Me: Nothing exotic
Him: You into white guys?
Me: Fortunately, this isn’t the Jim Crow south
[silence]
Presumably he’s trying to figure out what that means
Him: Want to meet sometime?
Me: Based on what I know about you right now?
Him: What do you want to know?
Me: More than I know right now
Him: I’m 6’2, 195, blond/blue, I work out, I like to play the guitar
Me: Cool
This is such a vague and superficial description. Why does everyone think this tells me anything?
Him: So would you consider meeting?
Me: Based solely on that description?
Him: You can ask me anything
Me: You’re the captain here, you’re steering the ship
Him: Yes, but it takes two to tango, you’re not exactly making it easy here
Me: If you have a problem with how the conversation is going, why are you trying so hard to meet me? The fact is, I don’t know you. I’m not going to meet you.
Guys seem to have a complete and utter inability to imagine how women are responding to them. The forced and contrived questions doesn’t come off as smooth natural. They never seem to grasp that the questions they’re asking don’t give women enough of a range of responses to work with. Little wonder why they get the verbal equivalent of a grunt and a shrug. Then guys get frustrated that “women here are uppity bitches.”
Right from the very beginning, it is clear this person is under a terrible illusion that any of this qualifies as an actual conversation, as if asking about my sexual proclivities is going to magically open up the doors to the conversation.
This guy ignored every red flag I sent him. I was disinterested in every question he asked and showed it by giving him vague and non-committal responses. At no point did the conversation flow freely and easily. It was awkward and stilted at every step.
None of this is advancing the conversation. Instead of making more tempting, it is pissing me off!
It is too pushy, while also simultaneously sending a clear message that you’re totally out of conversation. Either by itself will kill your chances to meet her. Both combined means you’ve just successfully shot yourself in the foot. Now you’re NOT going to meet. Ever. Period.
Getting the obligatory objections out of the way
”But I just want to know if she’s open to meeting, that’s all, I didn’t mean right now”
First off, I’m calling BS on that. It was an offer to meet, plain and simple. Trying to rewrite the conversation and frame it as “I just want to see if it is an option” is gaslighting. You really want to start this relationship by insulting me? Just say sorry and redirect the conversation back to safer ground.
Secondly, I’m here and I’m talking to you! No matter what anyone says, as long as she’s talking to you, you have a chance to impress her and induce her to meet, regardless of what she may or may not have initially had planned. That’s how relationships get started, everyone feels each other out and eventually settles on a direction. So why bother asking? It is on YOU to get it done, not her to have prior expectations that you can swoop in to chivalrously fulfill (how noble of you).
Lastly, most women won’t meet on a first conversation no matter how good you are. They can't. Even if the desire was there, the unexpected timing is not likely going to allow it. So congratulations, you just killed the conversation with a question that didn’t need to be asked.
“I’m better in person than I am online”
You’re not that guy. If you were, this wouldn’t be your forum of choice to meet women. If conversation is dragging online, it’s going to drag in person. No, you’re not going to rally in person and do better.
“But I am trying to gauge her level of interest”
Sorry to break it to you like this, but she’s not interested.
“You don’t know that. You’re not a mind reader.”
Sorry, but I DO know. Every woman knows. Even other guys would know. Even you know. Deep down, you know. You’re only asking the question because you’re hoping beyond hope that you’re somehow wrong. But you’re not wrong. She’s just not that into you.
Women who are interested are going to give you clear and unambiguous signals. The fact that you simply don’t positively know her level of interest means she isn’t sending those signals.
What you should be doing instead
Try talking to me like I’m a human being, not like you’re trying to politely solicit an escort. Have an actual conversation.
I’ll probably expand on this at another time, but you really should have the first few questions mentally mapped out beforehand, complete with all the usual permutations of possible responses. The objective in doing this is to hope that one of those questions will land on a conversation that is free flowing and natural. At first this may feel stiff and wooden, but as you find your unique style and voice it will become much more natural.
In addition, I briefly outlined this once in this post: Priorities in the Conversation. The priorities in the conversation shouldn’t be “get her to meet me.” The priorities should be to make me laugh, get me to ask questions (without having to say “is there anything you’d like to ask me?”), and get the conversation to a point where it isn’t simple parity of You speak–I speak–You speak. Doing that will naturally lead to her wanting to meet.
Everything else I’ve seen all lead to conversational dead ends.
In the inability to get conversation off the ground, guys inevitably exhaust every question they had prepared in only a few short minutes. With nothing left to resort to, the inevitable question becomes “Do you want to met?”
The answer is NO, I DON’T.
Give me something to work with and get the conversation flowing. Then the desire to meet will happen naturally and organically. She’ll address the subject when the time is right. There is no need for you to bring it up at all until then.
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Handle Initial Rejection Like a Boss (part 2)
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Posted:Mar 10, 2017 7:09 am
Last Updated:Mar 16, 2017 10:07 am
12435 Views
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Understanding why meets don’t happen on the first attempt will help you form a better plan of action on subsequent attempts
Part 2 of [unknown] in my series about why it takes so many attempts to get women to meet, and how you should handle it. The whole subject matter keeps growing every time I sit down with it.
Why she is rejecting those early requests in the first place:
It’s simply not that easy to get up and meet
Timing is everything. People lead busy and complicated lives. It’s just not easy to find the right time and the right place … especially if one or both parties have who still live at home. Also, a lot of you guys live some crazy distances away that you keep insisting is “close.” The farther away you live, the more of an issue this will be.
Things escalated very quickly, almost out of control
She’s worried about how that translates in person. This can go to either extreme. She might be worried it will continue to spiral out of control and she’ll do something she later regrets. Or she might be worried that the reality can’t live up to the fantasy, which will put her in an awkward spot.
She’s talking a good game online because she was never expecting to actually go through with it
Don’t judge her for this, men do it just as much. You just never know what’s going in people’s heads. Regardless of anyone’s intentions initially, nobody passes up a good thing when it falls into their lap. Just give her time to realize that. Sometimes people just aren’t ready yet. But that doesn’t have to stay like that forever. Just give her time.
Sex brings up issues
It just does. For everyone. I’ve said this before, but sex isn’t like square dancing. You can’t just do it with just anyone and pretend it means nothing. Especially for women, when you have sex with someone, when you allow them literally inside your body, you give them a piece of your soul. And a lot of these issues don’t rise to the surface until things start getting real.
In all cases, the best move is to be understanding, take it in stride, and don’t make a big deal out of it. It is an exceedingly rare thing to have someone meet up on the first attempt. Every one of these issues gets resolved by slowing down and letting things progress at a comfortable pace.
Best ways to eventually get her to agree to meet:
Take sex off the table … and not on the floor either
The prospect of sex on a first meet frequently results in ghosting. The reason it is typically suggested is that you're both talking hot and heavy and it sure seems as if she is open to the idea and wants it. In fact, she my actually be saying she is. Even if she is signaling she is open for it, understand that one of the above mentioned issues is likely going to kick in if you try to make that fantasy become reality.
Normally, I would say that whatever you do, don't send mixed signals, but this is an obvious exception. You were looking for some kind of NSA/FWB/FB/whatever sex, you don’t want to start sending signals that will make it feel like a “date” (unless you’re both clear that’s what you want). Nevertheless, the prospect of sex on a first date will be too aggressive and intimidating for women.
Verbally saying “not planning on sex” is not going to be enough, you have to set up a meet where sex would be impossible (short on time, public place, etc).
Don’t make it too long
Obviously, if things go bad, this will be an issue. Neither of you want to be sitting at a restaurant table making extremely uncomfortable conversation. Nothing worse than being out with someone and having to count the minutes until it is over. The idea is to leave wanting more.
But even if it is not necessarily "bad," it could still be boring. That's a genuine fear. When conversation languishes and you're stuck making polite conversation, it is awkward for BOTH parties. Save everyone the concern and just plan a short meet.
Take her somewhere that has a private niche in a public place
Public enough so that she can feel safe and comfortable, but with a quiet spot to talk privately.
Disregard if the person is married or attached, in which case it has to be totally private and in another town (but since I’m not writing the Cheater’s Manifesto, you’ll all have to figure out the specific details of how to talk to married gals from someone else).
Somewhere cheap!
Most men avoid this fearing they’ll come off as a cheap date. Unless you’re dating, I don’t recommend men pick up the tab – bring on the hate, but I’m holding my ground on this one.
If it is cheap, then it is by definition low key. What you’re trying to avoid is feeling like it is a date where you have to be “on.” If it’s just Starbucks, I’m not worried about getting dolled up and getting my makeup just right. I’m not fretting about how I can present myself as witty, cute, and quirky.
It also side-steps the issue of who is paying. A lot of women simply don’t like men paying. It offends their feminist selves. It puts implicit pressure to put out in return. The best way to convey you’re not expecting something in return for your financial investment is to not make a huge financial investment in the first place (ie expensive restaurants or hard-to-get tickets). So instead of putting her in an awkward position, take her somewhere inexpensive so that it is a non-issue.
And nothing says “I’m desperately trying to impress you” quite like overspending. If you’re out with someone, YOU are the attraction. If that’s not enough, and you need something more to keep her interested … well … I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’ve already lost. Trying to spend your way out of that only results on you losing money.
Hopefully this helps you understand what women are thinking and feeling in regards to meeting, and how you can plan something to sidestep those issues.
... Next up, why asking to meet is an instant conversation killer
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Handle Initial Rejection Like a Boss
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Posted:Mar 9, 2017 11:26 am
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2017 3:47 pm
8412 Views
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Most meets don’t happen on the first attempt no matter how good you are. No need for histrionics. Don’t whine. Don’t complain. It is all part of the game. Learn how to use it to your advantage.
How you handle that rejection matters a great deal to her. Most guys fall apart. On the other hand, handling it well can lay the groundwork for her to be receptive next time. That’s the key.
Confident men know there will be other opportunities. There will be other nights. There will be other chances. There will even be other women.
Needy people, upon given a polite “not tonight,” start negotiating. They beg and plead “Please … just meet me for dinner and a drink … I promise I won’t expect anything more …” Do you really need me to tell you how many things are wrong with that? Women don’t respect this. They don’t want to meet someone who is so needy.
Don’t bargain either. “Please … you won’t even have to do anything … I’ll please you and you won’t have to do anything for me …” Seriously, has this ever worked for anyone? Yet I get it all the time. Do you need it spelled out how insanely desperate that sounds? You’ve just established your value on the market as being exactly nothing. You’ve just downgraded your offer in a feeble attempt to make it sound more appealing. You’ve succeeded only in making it less appealing. If you don’t value it, why should I?
On a similar vein, “Please … just for 10 minutes to get some coffee …” while not overly sexualized as in the above example, it is still attempting to bargain. The first offer was for sex, now it’s a downgrade to coffee. If that’s what you really wanted all along, then open with that. The way it is now, it’s not taking no for an answer. It is begging. Don’t beg. Ever.
All of these examples have one thing in common … they are attempts at altering the expectations. Confident men don’t do this. They’re not ashamed of what they want. They don’t barter for anything less than what they want. It is a clear signal to the woman that they don’t play on that level. Her opinion of you will be irrevocably lowered. You will not recover from it.
Don’t bring it up again EVERY subsequent conversation.
… “How about today?”
… “Today maybe?”
… “I’m free today, how does today look?”
Women get really annoyed by this.
If you want to portray confidence, have subsequent conversations with her that are similar to the conversations from before (which should be fun, flirty, and playful … but not overly sexual). It signals that everything is ok despite the rejection, that it’s not a big deal. Play it off as nothing more than bad timing. That takes tremendous pressure off the next attempt to meet … that’s really what you’re doing here, setting up the subsequent attempts to meet.
By taking the initial rejection gracefully, you demonstrate your willingness to walk away and thereby signal confidence.
Ideally, you want to put the idea out there so as to signal that you’re interested in meeting. If you come off too strong, it will be off-putting. If it doesn’t come up at all, she’ll wonder where this is all going.
Me: I just finished a documentary about the history of General Tso’s Chicken
Him: And this is the stuff you find riveting?
Me: I’m telling you, it was!
Him: This is why you’ll never find a man
Me: Shut up! LOL
Him: Anyway, I gotta head out and get those errands done. Today feels like a smoothie day. The bakery over on North Main has great smoothies. I’m going to stop there and get one in about half an hour. Feel free to join me if you’re also feeling the urge for one
Me: Thanks, but I have things I gotta do
Him: That’s fine, another time then, enjoy your day
I DARE women to tell me they wouldn’t give that serious consideration. Maybe I won’t put a pair of shoes on right then and there and meet this guy, but he’s definitely going to be given serious consideration down the line.
Remember, that’s the goal – Down the line.
As opposed to this example here, where he wants a high pressure meet right now:
Him: What do you like?
Me: I like watching Netflix documentaries
Him: About what?
Me: Anything really, whatever I come across
Him: Any good ones lately?
Me: I saw one about General Tso’s Chicken
[silence]
Him: cool
Really? Took you 18 minutes to come up with that?
Me: Yeah
[more silence]
Him: Want to meet up sometime?
Me: I barely know you, it is too soon to be talking about meeting
Him: What do you want to know?
Ouch! Very bad question
Me: More than I know now
Him: I’m 5’11, 190, blond hair, brown eyes, divorced, no
Me: Cool. I saw the pic on your profile
Him: So you want to meet?
Come on, your last request wasn’t even 5 minutes ago, pull yourself together
Me: Of course, telling me your height and weight made all the difference to change my mind
Him: So you’ll meet?
Me: Maybe the sarcasm didn’t come through quite right
Him: I’m just saying, there’s no point talking if it’s never going to be a possibility
Me: You want me to agree to meet you, and only after agreeing do I get to know you? That’s all kinds of backwards
From here on, it degrades into an argument as he tries to rewrite the conversation and insinuating that I somehow misread what he meant. That only serves to make me defensive, so the conversation has nowhere to go but down. Rapidly.
In my next post, I’ll discuss this further and give my thoughts as to why first attempts at meeting are almost always bound to fail. Nothing earth shattering. It’s just the mundane reasons of life.
I’ll also discuss what makes a tempting offer to meet, so you can be a bit more successful.
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The Self-Congratulating Man
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Posted:Mar 7, 2017 8:42 am
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2017 12:52 pm
7781 Views
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Self-Congratulating Man
One who bestows honors upon himself then struts around like a peacock in full plumage as if he actually earned those accolades and honors.
Smart people don’t walk around telling people they’re smart
Confident people don’t tell people they’re confident
Successful people don’t have to say they’re successful at every opportunity
Really, this has to be explained? You can’t bestow titles on yourself, draw up an Award Certificate written in crayon, then wave it around proudly. You didn’t earn the title. It is a crown made out of cardboard and duct tape.
If we could do that, then I proclaim myself Mrs. Awesome McAwesomeness. Stand in awe at my awesomeness and tremble!
No woman is simply going to take your word for it. If you’re telling her, you’re not showing her, which is what you should be doing.
Even when asked directly, resist the urge. It’s a trap. You forfeit all the points you would have otherwise gained from having such a quality. You just waste your best card on a play that scores exactly zero points.
Let’s give a concrete example in a question that comes up routinely:
You: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: I like confident men
Straightfoward enough, right?
Option A: Perfect, definite match!
You: Confidence isn’t something I lack
Option B: Venus says don’t answer this, so punt. Throw it back on her.
You: Any luck finding that here?
Option C: Amplify to absurdity
You: Honey, I’m a modern day Austin Powers …. “Do I make you horny, baby? Do I make you randy?”
Option D: Change the subject to deflect off yourself
You: Cool. I like smart and articulate women. Do you get to go out at all?
First off, in case you’re in the category of not having an answer at all…
Then why the hell did you bring it up in the first place??? Stand closer so I can smack you!
Even if she answered with something other than confidence, the format stays the same no matter the actual answer. Whatever she says, do you embrace it? Dodge it? Trivialize it? What??
Option A is totally wrong, as it is the whole purpose of this post.
Not only is it self-congratulating, it doesn’t allow the conversation to go anywhere.
You know what I hear every time a man self-congratulates himself? I hear “I’ve just boxed you into a point in the conversation where I’m forcing you to tell me how great and wonderful I am, so bring it on, let the praises begin!”
And you know how I weasel out of that? By giving you such conversation killers such as “Cool” … “ok” … “nice” … “Good to know” … Don’t you just love when women give you line after line of that? /s
And when you get resentful that you don’t get the accolades you wanted, and she’s resentful that she was boxed in like that, how do you think the conversation is going to go? The thing is, most people don’t recognize this as the moment where the conversation started declining, so they never adjust the behavior.
Option B is the single most likely answer to be given, but it too is wrong.
Though it is not immediately obvious as to why. She has a range of responses she can go with, and all of them end up in different places … with NONE of them end up in a good place. None of them advances the conversation.
At best, you end up wasting 5 or 6 lines of conversation on trivialities that don’t help you. You cannot waste that many lines of conversation that early in the conversation. You have to make them all count. You neither gain information about her, nor given information about yourself … and that’s the best case scenario.
At worst, it goes down some roads that end very badly for you. It could be perceived as taking backhanded pot shots at the competition in an effort to look good (confident people simply don’t do this). It is an unconscious signal that your value isn’t high, and that the only way to compete is to drag the value of others down. It also sets up a weird dynamic where the specter of your unseen competition starts casting a long shadow on the rest of the conversation. Don’t concern yourself with what others are doing or how successful they are with me. Or do you need constant validation that you’re doing better? What are you? A who needs constant petting? “Who’s a pretty girl!!! Yes, you are, you’re the pretty girl!!!”
Option D is wrong.
Changing the subject is often a good way of weaseling out of shit tests, but it won’t work in cases where you were the one who brought up the topic in the first place. This is a good tactic, but it is being used in the wrong circumstance.
Option C is the answer I’d go with – Amplify to Absurdity.
First off, I wouldn’t ask what she likes in a guy in the first place. It’s a bad question that has nowhere to go except down this rabbit-hole. But if you absolutely MUST acknowledge it, do it in a way that can’t be taken seriously, that way she can’t fault you for it. It doesn’t ask for validation. This is also the only option that actually opens up conversation. In this case, she can laugh (which is a high priority in the early stages of a conversation). She can even play along if she wants. It draws her into the conversation.
Remember, you can’t praise yourself. It just don’t work for women. You absolutely MUST learn how to structure the conversation in such a way as to be able to demonstrate your good qualities, without actually having to verbally say it.
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