getting older
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Posted:Aug 18, 2011 2:38 am
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2011 7:16 am
6048 Views
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Observations on Growing Older
~Your are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names.... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed. It's called their "pre-sleep".
~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say, "I hope my GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem....
were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ....
"what?"..."when?"... ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~Now that your spouse has retired ...
you'd give anything if he/she would find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
Love you, "OLD FRIEND!"
Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!
It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived
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genie
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Posted:Jan 13, 2011 2:24 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 10:54 pm
5374 Views
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've relea sed me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"
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Insurance sex
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Posted:Dec 12, 2010 3:49 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 10:54 pm
5412 Views
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Sex with your partner - Legal and General.
Sex with your future spouse - Mutual Trust.
Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability.
Sex wth a - Commercial Union.
Telephone sex - Direct Line.
Sex with your biographer - Quote Me Happy.
Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go.
Sex with your gir/boy friend - Standard Life.
Sex with someone the same gender - Confused.com
Sex on a one night stand - Confused.com
Sheep shagging - National Farmer's Union.
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The Sultan
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Posted:Nov 14, 2010 2:42 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 10:54 pm
5460 Views
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The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 , all girls, and therefore had no and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only and heir.
Just before his 's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, ", I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane"" Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.
Just before his 's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. ", you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.
Just before his 's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. ", you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies.
Just before his 's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. ", you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His , who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit."
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft.
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Cowboys
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Posted:Oct 16, 2010 2:54 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 10:54 pm
5405 Views
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago...'
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Husband
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Posted:Sep 13, 2010 11:23 am
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2011 2:25 am
5782 Views
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A husband and wife are shopping in Oakham Tesco.
The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing? " asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans " he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them." demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It 's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful " replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price."
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'
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Mixed emotions
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Posted:Aug 14, 2010 7:29 am
Last Updated:Aug 14, 2010 3:30 pm
6104 Views
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.
The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap.
I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick…“
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Three woman
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Posted:Jul 13, 2010 10:37 am
Last Updated:Aug 14, 2010 7:27 am
5518 Views
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Three women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their
position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the
French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with
a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a
new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with
you, we don't have much money and we don't have any
material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand
shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Ladies,
I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to
impress you. We're not really going to the French
Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be
honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought
me a Ford."
"Well," the third woman says, " I also have a confession to
make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
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Hot and Cold Sex
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Posted:Jun 23, 2010 1:39 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 10:54 pm
5476 Views
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Hot and Cold sex
After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."
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Different attitudes to temperature
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Posted:May 20, 2010 10:45 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 10:54 pm
5514 Views
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50°F
People in Southern England turn on the central heating.
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants.
40°F
Southerners shiver uncontrollably.
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs.
35°F
Cars in the South of England refuse to start.
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down.
20°F
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats.
Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts.
15°F
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent.
People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry.
0°F
Life in the South grinds to a halt.
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold.
-10°F
Life in the South ceases to exist.
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket.
-80°F
Polar bears wonder if it ' s worth carrying on.
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers.
-100°F
Santa Claus abandons North Pole.
People in Stirling put on their ' long johns '.
-173°F
Alcohol freezes.
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut.
-297°F
Microbial life starts to disappear.
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands.
-460°F
All atomic motion stops.
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands.
-500°F
Hell freezes over.
Scotland will support England in the World cup .
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Explanation
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Posted:Apr 17, 2010 3:58 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 10:54 pm
5421 Views
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your ! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
Don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same..'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
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Doctor
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Posted:Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 10:54 pm
5435 Views
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"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
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Socrates
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Posted:Feb 16, 2010 12:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2010 11:01 am
5613 Views
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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife...
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