Just bought a new ride...
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Posted:Sep 22, 2009 12:42 am
Last Updated:Jul 8, 2010 10:56 am
5120 Views
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Just bought a 1993 HD Electra Glide Ultra Classic and will be conducting auditions for a backseater... Pics will be on my profile as soon as they are approved.
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Are you losing the weight you should be losing?
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Posted:Aug 13, 2009 10:25 am
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2013 12:25 pm
5069 Views
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Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories
ORGASM
Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang: Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories
PULLING OUT
After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories
PENIS ENVY
For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories
GUILT
Banging boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking w/parents in next room... 7 calories
Putting on expense account... 9 calories
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Part. lets cuddle w/foreplay..14 calories
Partner used bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories
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Final Exam
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Posted:Aug 13, 2009 10:20 am
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2013 12:24 pm
4915 Views
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. Silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order.......
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Taking a Lady to Bed
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Posted:Aug 13, 2009 10:12 am
Last Updated:Jul 8, 2010 10:57 am
4898 Views
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What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?
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At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
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Random Thoughts
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Posted:Aug 13, 2009 10:02 am
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2010 11:20 pm
5059 Views
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1. If you are too open minded your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all the other parts feel good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun)
14. Men are from Earth... women are from Earth... deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist exchange places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you have saved for years and throw away three weeks before you needed it.
20. There is always one more imbecil than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize it when you do it again.
22. By the time you can finally make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weight more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically is a nice change to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you have never tried before.
26. "I LOVE YOU" is an eight letter phrase... then again so is "BULLSHIT"...
27. The square root of 69 is eight something.
28. Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
29. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
30. The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
31. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come real close.
32. Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
33. Is it possible to be totally partial?
34. The speed of time is one-second per second.
35. Is there another word for synonym?
36. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
37. A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
38. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
39. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
40. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
41. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
42. When they say 'nothing' is better than their product I figure they must know what they're talking about, so I always choose 'nothing'.
43. Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
44. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
45. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
46. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
47. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" The bitch hit me.
48. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
49. Single women cannot fart... they don't have an asshole until they are married...
50. It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
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Neighborhood hazard... why the cops don
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Posted:Aug 7, 2009 9:01 am
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2013 12:24 pm
5020 Views
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I always knew there was something sinister about squirrels...
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect ... I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close. Now I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result... Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well ... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me! As the face plate closed partway, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could.
This time it worked... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger ... That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-aids.
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I lost my lady to a drunk driver
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Posted:Aug 6, 2009 10:52 am
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2009 11:16 am
4890 Views
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On the Labor Day weekend in 2004, my lady was killed by a drunk driver. We had been in the lifestyle for 20+ years. Fortunately we had many friends in the lifestyle, so I was able to stay involved. However, all that activity came to a screeching halt when I relocated to another area of the country.
Most clubs that allow singles in will only allow single women. That leaves many of us out.
Couples are missing the opportunity to enjoy the company of an experienced male who has always been a gentleman who exhibits the proper behavior and etiquette that is expect when he is invited into their activity.
When visiting friends who do not live the lifestyle, I again run into the same problem. I am visiting Rapid City for a month and am unable to find anyone who will accept an unknown single male.
How many others experience this problem?
That's my rant for the day.
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To link to this blog (rm_Davison44) use [blog rm_Davison44] in your messages.
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